I’m in Love With Mr. Wrong
By Nina Atwood
Dear Nina: I have fallen in love with someone who thinks he’s in love with someone else. I still want to hang on. I’ve let myself fall in love with him, and I feel desperate to keep him in my life in some way even though I know it’s unhealthy. How can I break this hold? – Julie
Julie: The key words in your question are “desperate” and “unhealthy,” both of which indicate that you are crossing the line into what is referred to as love addiction*. This is basically a relationship in which you cannot get your needs met and you feel unable to move on to a better relationship or to change the dynamics of the current one. The price for love addiction, if not intervened in quickly, is quite steep, and may lead to:
- A repetitive cycle of feeling hopeful, struggling to get what you want, pain, anger and desperation when you don’t, and resignation or hopelessness
- The escalation of this cycle, so that your highs and lows are more and more dramatic, leading to feelings of being out of control of your own life
- Medicating the pain of the relationship through alcohol, drugs, spending, promiscuity with other partners, or working too much
- Plummeting self-esteem and feelings of low self-worth
- Depression and anxiety which worsen over time
- Loss of self, such that your happiness hinges on how well the relationship is going
You are vulnerable to love addiction if:
- You have a history of low self-esteem
- You have a history of substance abuse or other addictions
- You believe that your current partner is your one and only chance for true love
- You believe that you can change a non-committal person’s mind by just “hanging on” or loving them more
- You have a tendency to center your life around another person
Addictive relationships almost always begin with one person wanting it significantly more than the other. There’s an imbalance of emotional energy: You are putting in more than you’re receiving, and your partner is getting a free ride. Remember that the person who loves the least has the most power in a romantic relationship. This is a no-win situation for you. You can begin with a simple affirmation of the truth: “I’m in love with someone who’s not in love with me” and “I am powerless to change him or his feelings.”
The path to recovery from love addiction begins with a commitment: To yourself, to be your own best friend, to treat yourself with kindness and respect, to expect nothing less from the people you are close to, and to be willing to end a relationship if it is unhealthy for you, no matter how strong the attraction. Once you make this commitment to yourself, seek any and all support that you can find. Join a counseling group, attend SLA (Sex & Love Addicts Anonymous) meetings, read every book on love addiction that you can get your hands on, and practice taking care of yourself first.
*See Chapter Fourteen in “Be Your Own Dating Service: A Step-by-Step Guide to Finding and Maintaining Healthy Relationships” for more information on love addiction, its origins and the path to recovery.
Entry Filed under: Advice for Women,Dating,Personal Growth,Relationships
