He’s Just Not That Into You: The Solution!
By Nina Atwood
The Problem: He’s Just Not That Into You. Unless you’ve been under a rock the past few years, you know about this best-selling book – written by one of the writers of “Sex and the City,” introduced in an episode of the show, and featured on Oprah. It has become a modern phenomenon. The thing is, it’s written by a guy and he doesn’t offer any particularly brilliant solutions. But don’t worry – all the answers are available to you in Temptations of the Single Girl: the Ten Dating Traps You Must Avoid!
Apparently, we women have trouble distinguishing when (or not) men are really into us. This makes sense to me – I used to have this problem. Like many women, I assumed that if a guy spent time with me, seemed attracted, and wasn’t with anyone else, he was into me. What I failed to see was that sometimes he wasn’t, not because of anything wrong with me, but because he either a.) wasn’t emotionally available, or b.) didn’t see me as “the one.” Once I figured out how to tell the difference, I never again made that mistake. The result - my soul partner husband and I recently celebrated – joyfully - our tenth anniversary.
How do you tell the difference? Let’s focus in on the first handful of dates or encounters. The first clue that tells you he may not be that into you is that you are putting forth an effort to see him. You are smack in the Temptation to Take the Lead instead of taking your cues. Here’s how it commonly plays out.
First, you meet. He shows all the signs of a guy who’s into you: he flirts, he hangs around you, if he gets you alone he gives you a big passionate kiss and/or makes out with you or even has sex with you. You think you’re in a relationship, but your phone doesn’t ring over the next two weeks (if you can make it that long!)
If you succumb to the temptation to take the lead, you call, text message, or email him, reasoning that he needs a little nudge from you. “Maybe he didn’t realize how into him I was,” you think, and so you “help” him by taking over the lead. And that leads you right into the next issue: an imbalanced relationship. When you pursue him, you wind up feeling insecure. Does he really love me? Is he really into me? Lacking the emotional security that comes from knowing deep down that he wants you and only you, you search for evidence one way or the other. To him, that comes off as emotionally needy, a major turn off.
The solution is easy to talk about, difficult to implement: let him pursue. That’s right, stop leading, guiding, directing, nudging, or coaxing him. Simply sit back and watch what happens. If he’s really into you, he’ll show you. And that goes for all men, whether assertive or passive. If he’s truly so passive that he cannot pursue a woman, chances are you’ll be miserable with him because that passivity will carry over in to the relationship, driving you batty.
The temptations to take the lead is the first step down a slippery path of dissatisfying relationships that chew up your life and energy, sometimes for many years of your valuable youth. To change this pattern and open up new ones takes focus and commitment. Start by getting your copy of Temptations of the Single Girl today.
Entry Filed under: Advice for Women,Relationships
2 Comments
1. Mark | January 16th, 2010 at 6:17 am
I like the graphic and lead in with this one, not to mention the as-always great advise.
Keep up the good work.
2. Meme | January 28th, 2010 at 8:09 pm
My bf just did that 2 me and i txtd hem 2 see y he did what he did and he told me that gurls r worthless and that they dont no how 2 move on but my view is that is the other way round