Do All the Wrong Signs Add Up to a Right Move?
By Nina Atwood
Dear Nina: I stayed at a close friend’s house the other night. It was obvious that we have gone from friends to fancying each other. He has made it plain he wants kids and to settle down. He knows I cannot have kids but want to settle down. I am older than him and he has said to me that he likes younger women even though his last girlfriend was older than him. Anyway I stayed the night in the spare room, it was obvious we were both considering the who-joins-who question. So what is the etiquette? Should I have gone to him or him to me? It was his house. And what is the best way to handle this situation if you get it wrong ? – Sue
Dear Sue: You are smack in the middle of the temptation to take the lead, instead of taking your cues. So I’ll give you your cue right up front: Your “friend” wants to stay friends, although he may be aiming for FWB (friends with benefits) status. Why do I say that? Let’s look at the cues that tell you his real intentions.
First, you are older than he is and yet he is telling you he wants a younger woman. If he was really into you, there’s no way he would say that. He wouldn’t risk offending you if he is falling in love with you, unless he is terribly emotionally unintelligent. (I don’t think Ashton Kutcher won over Demi Moore by telling her he was looking for a younger woman.) If this guy really is into you, he’s going to be all about telling you how wonderful you are, how beautiful you are, how he has NO PROBLEM being with an older woman.
Second, he is telling you straight out that he wants someone who will have his babies, knowing that you can’t have children. That’s strike two in the “how to win over a woman” game. Again, if he’s really into a woman who can’t have children, he’s going to be talking about adoption, or he’s going to make a personal decision that being with the ideal woman is more important to him than being a father. Yes, I know that might not be healthy for him, but I’ve seen men make huge compromises in order to be with the woman they really want.
Third, you were there sleeping in his house and he didn’t make the move. That’s strike three, and now you need to face reality. This guy is not into you, not in the way you deserve a guy to be into you. You may be attracted to him, but you are headed for an imbalanced, one-way street. My advice is – definitely do NOT make any first moves. Second, put him back into the friendship bucket and move on. Even if he makes the moves, unless you are rigorous in re-defining his intentions, you will be setting yourself up for a fall.
How do you re-define a guy’s intentions? It’s a process that deserves a better description, but in a nutshell it would look like this. “John, before we go forward into an intimate relationship, I just need to clarify your intentions. Why do this if you are looking for someone younger and able to have children? It seems that I am going to be the transitional woman for you, and I don’t want that role.” That lets him know that you are not available for a sexual fling. Now his job is to convince you that he has re-set his intentions and sees you as future wife material. Your job is to listen to what he has to say with your bullsh** meter going so you don’t get swayed by his charm into doing something that will not turn out well for you.
Entry Filed under: Advice for Women,Dating,Relationships,Sex/ Sexuality
