I Want a Stepdad and He Wants a Lover
By Nina Atwood
Dear Nina: I’m a 24 year old mother of two, I began dating a guy who is a few months younger than I am. He lives about 20 minutes away, we’ve been seeing each other for almost two years now. He lives with his parents and works for his dad full time. I get to see him once during the week and he comes over and usually spends the weekend with me and my two boys. He loves the kids and they are crazy for him. I love him with all my heart, I truly believe he feels the same. It’s been almost two years now and it’s getting really hard for me to say goodbye when he leaves, to the point where I cry. When I asked him about if he ever thought about moving in he said “No I haven’t really thought of it, sorry” and then said “I have no idea really, one day we’ll live together, I don’t know when though”. I’m wondering is it because he’s scared to move out or is it because I have two kids. I don’t want to push him into something he’s not ready for. I don’t want to rush things because I believe in taking our time but really. How long is too long and what can I do? – Jessica
Dear Jessica: To answer your first question: it’s not too long if it’s the time someone needs to take before making what should be a huge step in life: marrying someone and becoming a stepfather to her children. But you’re asking the wrong question of him when you are asking about moving in. That would be the absolute wrong thing to do.
You have two young children, and the last thing they need is a revolving door of men in your life. When a guy moves in, minus the ring on your finger and a date set, he’s not that committed. It’s an experiment, and your children are at the center of it. They can’t help it – they will bond to adults who are good to them (and even ones who aren’t). Little kids are emotionally wired to do that. If he’s not ready to take on the full responsibility of being a stepfather and your husband, the odds are very high that your relationship won’t make it, and that means another huge loss for your children.
Your first priority is your children, Jessica. Instead of wondering if this guy will move in with you, you should be wondering if he’s good stepfather material. Is he someone who is willing to contribute to your children’s lives, including handling much of the day-to-day responsibility of raising them? Is he willing to do car pools, cook meals, take care of a sick child, pay for things for them when needed? Does he genuinely care for them and their welfare? Does he understand that a stepfather is there to guide but not to control them? Is he mature enough to handle the fact that they are your number one priority until they are grown, and he will be second?
By now you should be getting a bit worried, and rightly so. Your boyfriend has a peachy situation right now – he gets all of your love and devotion, and “family time” minus the responsibility. I’m not surprised he hasn’t thought about moving in, let alone marriage. Those are steps for a very mature guy, and he’s still living with his parents. He’s still a boy in some ways, and therefore not yet ready for the steps that you need him to take. I suspect that your grief when he leaves is mainly driven by a deep down feeling that he is on his way out of your life. I’m sorry to be the bearer of bad news, Jessica, but you didn’t choose well, nor did you take into account the big picture of your own life when you fell in love with this guy.
Before you delete this, read on! It could be salvagable but it will take a lot of emotional muscle on your part. First, get your priorities straight: when you date, it shouldn’t be for casual sex or weekend lovers. It should be for finding someone to share the real responsibilities of life with you as a parent; someone to love and be loved by, who would be a great stepfather (not just because he can bond with children but because he will take care of them). If you don’t find that person and your kids grow up, then you can shift your priorities to a soul mate for you, minus the kid responsibilities. Second, it’s time for the “you and me” talk with your boyfriend, which in essence should say: “I love you and enjoy our relationship, but I need you to know that I’m not in this for a good time with no strings. I’m looking for someone who is ready for marriage and stepparenting. If you’re not that guy, let’s get it on the table so we can begin moving on. If you could be that guy, I’m not rushing you, but I need to know that it’s in our future at some point.” This launches your dialog, but you must listen carefully, not for what you WANT to hear, but for what is the truth. It takes courage to face the truth of a relationship and make adult decisions, but it’s the path to a wonderful love. If it’s not him, this process will launch you in a far better direction with new tools.
Entry Filed under: Advice for Women,Dating,Relationships
