The Top Three Holiday Dating Challenges (and what to do about them)
By Nina Atwood
#1 Holiday Dating Challenge: Expecting a Proposal (that doesn’t come)
Men don’t get it – why do women get so worked up about the proposal – will it happen?/ when will it happen?/ how will it happen? The proposal is significant because it represents his willingness to make the highest level of commitment. But sometimes his emotional timetable is slower than yours. You can be passive and hope that little box under the tree is “the ring” but you may be massively disappointed if it is not. Suddenly, your perfectly good romance is in a tailspin, but it doesn’t have to be that way.
Sidestep the agony by having the “you and me” talk NOW. First, be strong! A guy won’t give the truth to an emotionally fragile woman. Assure him that you can handle it. Then simply declare what you see (we are in love, I’m thinking you’re “the one”) and ask what he sees. If he rushes to reassure you that you’re “the one” but he’s not ready to take that step, be patient. Give him permission to propose when he’s ready – you’ll be infinitely more satisfied that way rather than pressuring him into a premature engagement.
If he waffles about where he stands with you, take charge. “Sounds like we’re not on the same page here; sounds like this is a transitional relationship for you.” Call it what it is and respond appropriately to take care of yourself. That may be a break up, or a back off. Either way, you’ll give him the emotional space to discover his own truth. If he comes back to you begging for another chance, he may be a keeper. If not, you’re far better off - free to meet someone who is far more ready and right.
#2 Holiday Dating Challenge: Family Time: Together or Not
Your relationship is very new; you’re getting much closer, but you’re not sure about holiday family time. You could wait around hoping he’ll invite you to his family’s annual holiday get togethers, then be massively hurt when you discover he’s going solo to family then topping that off with quality time with his buddies watching the games. OR, you could empower yourself by finding out in advance
Time for the “you and me” talk! Again, you must be strong – no emotional fragility here. Declare where you stand (“we’re getting closer; I’m interested in dating to explore the possibility of commitmenet leading to marriage; I’m not sure yet if that’s you and me, but that’s the purpose for dating as far as I’m concerned”) and ask how he sees it (“what are you looking for? do you see that possiblity with us?”). Then LISTEN not only to what he says but to what he doesn’t say. If he reassures you he’s on the same page, great. From there, you ask what he has in mind for the holidays. Make plans together so there are no surprises.
If he waffles and lets you know he’s made other plans for the holidays, it’s time to take a step back. You’re in danger of the temptation to settle for crumbs. Hold out for the banquet, even if that means breaking up this budding relationship. Now is the time to take that step as it becomes more difficult with more time. See holiday challenge #3 below for ideas that will help you thrive solo during the holidays.
#3 Holiday Dating Challenge: Alone and Lonely
Every where you look there’s another “Hallmark moment” rubbing it in your face that you don’t have a guy/gal to love or be loved by. You could sit in your apartment and drown your sorrows with egg nog until January, or you can do something about. Three bold moves help you take charge of the holidays so you are anything BUT alone and lonely:
1.) Create an adventure – go on a trip with yourself or with another single friend; the holidays are a great time to travel and see new places and people.
2.) Plan your own holiday party – collaborate with 2 or 3 other single friends, inviting all of your contact lists of other singles. You’ll have a blast and maybe meet someone special!
3.) Give – volunteer your time for those who are less fortunate. You cannot focus as much on your own problems when you are contributing to others.
What are your holiday dating challenges? Post your dilemmas below for response from the community or share your own personal game plan for taking charge of your life during the holidays.
Entry Filed under: Dating,Relationships
1 Comment
1. Helen | December 3rd, 2009 at 9:38 am
Your advice about things to do when you’re lonely over Christmas (# 3 Holiday Dating Challenge) completely misses out those of us who are alone and yet have obligations – i.e. all the single parents.
I’m lonely, too, but I have to spend my holiday season making Christmas happen for my three kids who have massive expectations about ‘Mommy-Time’ or playdates. It is almost unbearably difficult to be a family and yet not a family (i.e. with no Dad) yet without the freedom to run away from it all; and with few babysitters available so that I can go out.
The same probably goes for singles who are carers for elderly parents and relatives – they can’t just up and do.
Some advice for those of us who are stuck on the track of caring or parenting would help us feel less isolated.