The Economy of My Relationship: How do I Pick Him Up When He’s Financially Down?
By Nina Atwood
Dear Nina: I’ve been dating a guy for about two years whom I love very much and am committed to. He has issues but mismanaged $ is the biggest in my view – he lives above his means and is in debt. I feel he resents me because I make twice as much money. He seems content with living a substandard life versus growing together and getting certain things in his life on track. We both know that marriage is the next step for us…and I know he loves me. But he told me recently that he may not be the man for me because of his bad habits such as overspending. He is taking some steps to get more education so he can be promoted.
I’m 30 years old and he’s 33. I’m just trying to find the delicate balance between motivating and helping him without sounding like I’m judging him and without crushing his ego… – Shay
Dear Shay: I see two major issues in your relationship.
1. You are smack in the middle of the temptation of loving a wounded guy. The wounded guy uses his circumstances (in this case “I don’t make as much $ as you; I have bad habits”) in order to avoid responsibility to you and to the relationship. On a positive note, it’s a good sign that he’s seeking ways to improve his career path, if he sticks with it.
The fact that you make more money than he isn’t the real issue; there are lots of happy couples who have this non-traditional flip of income earning. The issue is how you and he are responding to that fact, and more importantly, how he manages the money he does make.
2. Your desire to “help” and “motivate” him. A strong man doesn’t need you to help or motivate him – he does that from within. Wanting to help and motivate him implies that he isn’t a strong man. This creates a one-up, one-down dynamic – you are smart and capable enough to carve out a good career with high income that provides a good lifestyle; he is not. Your instincts are correct – if this dynamic persists, he’ll have to leave you in order to feel strong.
It isn’t a good sign that already you are concerned that he may not continue to push for a successful career path, that he may after marriage rest on your strengths. Your internal early warning system is trying to tell you something. I suggest you listen.
Love is not enough for a good marriage – and I know you love him a lot. But you must have basic compatabilities in place, and right now you don’t. Here’s how I suggest you proceed.
First, completely lay off the “helping” and “motivating.” That’s right – stop making suggestions, stop pushing, and sit back and watch. Continue loving him and offering encouragement; i.e., when he does make a positive step, tell him you’re proud of him. When he fails to make a step, zip your lip! The one helping action I suggest is to purchase Dave Ramsey’s Total Money Makeover program, give it to him, then let him handle it from there. If he reads it and wants to align with you on money matters, great!
Try doing nothing but positive reinforcement for his self-chosen steps for the next six months, then re-evaluate. If by then, he’s fallen back into old habits of spending/debting (and don’t kid yourself – he has the ability to live within his means, even if it means getting a 2nd job), then you need to face reality: this is who he is. In dating, what you see is what you get in marriage, only times three or four. Take a snapshot of what you have now, study it, and ask yourself if you can live with who he is now for the rest of your life. If you can’t, it will take courage but you must move on.
Entry Filed under: Advice for Women,Dating,Marriage,Relationships
