How Do I Get More?
By Nina Atwood
Dear Nina: I am 21, and the person I’m dating is 22. We have known each other for about two years now. We live about an hour away from each other, but still talk. We began sleeping together right from the start of our relationship, and have on and off ever since. I do think that was a big mistake, but I love being with him. I feel so comfortable with him, and he makes me laugh! I want more from the relationship, though. How do I get more? How can I get him to commit to just me, and stop seeing other girls? – Jane
Dear Jane: Your question is familiar to me because women ask me this question in countless different versions on a regular basis. My answer to you is the same as my answer to any woman who finds herself in the position of wanting more from a guy than he is freely giving.
Wanting more makes you needy. This is the first part of the problem, and it’s difficult to overcome. When you want more than your partner is giving, it throws you off-balance emotionally, creating emotional neediness. Over time, this feels painful to you and is a turn-off to him.
Don’t kid yourself, Jane – deep down, he knows you want more. If he wanted more, he would have already given it to you. You’re right – sleeping with him without setting out the boundaries of dating for yourself was a huge mistake. When you succumb to the temptation of getting sexual too soon, you sabotage the development of a heart connection with him. Most men lose motivation to pursue for love when you lead off with sex.
The second part of the problem is believing that you can do something and get what you want. The truth is that you have only a couple of choices: 1.) keep doing what you’re doing (giving him your all – heart, commitment, your body), hoping for more, or 2.) start taking care of yourself and let him either choose to move things to the next level or choose to move on.
Hope is not a good life strategy! I suggest that you take a big step back, gently explaining to him that your needs aren’t getting met and that you need to re-establish things on level ground. Stop having sex and insist on public venues for your dates for a while so that you can discover whether or not your hearts connect and that you are moving in the same direction. The goal is an exclusive relationship with a eye toward marriage in the future. Your job is to let him take that step forward into a committed relationship on his own steam, not because you pushed him there. If he does, you have something to build upon. If he doesn’t, you have your answer – he sees you as a good time, and maybe a good friend [with benefits], but not his future wife.
Buy and read Temptations of the Single Girl so that you will have all the tools you need to move this relationship in the right direction and to avoid falling into this fatal dating trap – sex too soon – in the future!
Entry Filed under: Advice for Women,Dating,Relationships,Sex/ Sexuality
