Am I Cheating If I Date More Than One Guy?

 By Nina Atwood

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Dear Nina: I told you before how much I appreciate your guidance through Temptations of the Single Girl and Be your own Dating Service as well. I’ve been studying those books every single day since I got them, about two months now. I’m very serious about changing my old pattern about dating; it’s AMAZING how much progress I’ve made about dating; definitely empowers me and makes me realize how important my values are. I joined an online dating service, I have expended my social life, and I feel a lot better and happier with my life. You suggest to date more than one guy at a time so I’ll have more choices. I’ve been doing it, accepting dates of 30 to 60 minutes at the most, just talking and finding out if they’re emotionally available. I’m dating a couple of guys who fit with what I want, but it really confuses me. I wouldn’t like to hurt anybody (I’ve been hurt and I know how it feels). I need guidance, please - when should I stop seeing one of them if they both seem to be real matches? Honestly it’s a little uncomfortable because even though I’ve not been physical with any of them, I feel I’m cheating. Thanks for your help! – Kay

Dear Kay: Wow - way to go! You’re really transforming your life, and that’s awesome. I’m very happy for you. Now you’re ready for the next step – figuring out how far to take a potential relationship, and managing the journey.

Attachment is the issue, and you’ll have to manage that. Yes, you can feel attracted to more than one guy at a time. The question is, can you be attached to more than one without hurting yourself or them, and the answer is “no.” At some point, you must choose whom to get to know at a deeper level and with whom to make an investment.

If you’ve ever watched The Bachelor [a reality show in which one single person dates several others simultaneously] you know that if you keep dating more than one person over an extended period of time, it can be very emotionally confusing. If more than one person starts to fall in love with you, it can be emotionally harmful for the one you don’t choose, so you’re spot on to be concerned. That said, it’s probably too soon at this point to bail out of one of these potential relationships.

When a guy asks you out, he takes an emotional risk. If you go out with him one time, he asks you out again and you say “no,” he’s going to feel something. He’s going to feel rejected and stung. That’s mostly ego because he hasn’t spent enough time with you to truly feel that he’s losing you. He doesn’t yet know you, and his feelings are mostly about what he imagines a relationship with you might be like.

If you go out with him several times and then say “no,” he’s going to feel rejected plus – and that plus may be that he’s begun falling in love with you and now feels hurt on a deeper level. It may be mostly ego, but it may be that he’s developing real feelings for you. Every time you say “yes” and go out with him, you communicate with your behavior that you are interested in HIM. If you want to go past about three dates with more than one guy, it’s only fair to make it clear to both parties that this is what you are doing. That way, each can evaluate the risks and make an informed choice. Risky, yes, but you side-step the temptation of dating without integrity when you tell the truth.

Typically, it’s difficult to sustain a high level of interest in more than one person past about three or four dates. If you do, that may be a sign that you’ve fallen into the classic situation of seeing qualities in each guy that you want, but neither one of them on his own is the full package. In that case, it’s best to cut them both loose and make yourself available for meeting someone who offers the best of both worlds in one person.

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Entry Filed under: Advice for Women,Dating,Personal Growth,Relationships