What Should I Do About My Ex Fiance?
By Nina Atwood
Dear Nina: My fiancé of five and a half years recently cheated on me and left me about five months before our marriage. Since then she has been with that guy. She refuses to give us a second chance. But at the same time she calls every day, wants to hang out as much as possible, says that I am her best friend, and doesn’t want to lose me. But when I talk about me going out on a date she throws a fit. What should I do? Should I just keep being a friend or should I move on? – Mike
Dear Mike: First of all, you are not her “friend” at this point; you are her jilted fiancé. This means that you are in pain, about what she did; so you are the last person who can really be a friend to her right now. Her demands force you to suppress your feelings of hurt and anger, subordinate them to her wish to have her cake and eat it, too. I doubt that you are walking around in blue tights with a red cape and a big “S” on your chest, so I would suggest that you stop trying to be Superman.
The next question is: would like to reconcile with your ex? It’s not impossible, but it’s not going to be easy. The reality is that she’s in another relationship that she clearly doesn’t want to give up, so right now getting back together isn’t a possibility.
The second issue is that unless there’s more to this story (such as you cheated on her in the past), it’s up to her to earn back your trust. Otherwise, you’re setting yourself up for a repeat of the past. At a minimum, you both need to be in counseling together to understand what led to the affair and how you will avoid this happening again in the future.
If the outcome you want is to get back together, I would suggest that you take a step back from this unrealistic ”friendship” and be less available. She’s getting the best of both worlds – new guy plus ex in case that one doesn’t work out. Thus, she has little incentive to make up her mind and choose.
The risk is that when you step back you’ll discover that she really isn’t that into you. It will hurt, but it will free you to move on so that you can find someone who will really love you. I say: take the risk! Let go of the fantasy that by being her “friend” she will come back.
Be willing to let go, and you will discover the truth of this relationship. If you are meant to be as a couple, stepping back will bring her toward you. If not, you will move on to something far better. Way, way down the road, after all your hurt is dissolved and you’re happily in love with someone else, then you can evaluate whether or not friendship with this woman is appropriate. Meanwhile, you might want to take a peek at my blog – Can Former Lovers Be Friends? – for more insight.
Entry Filed under: Relationships
2 Comments
1. Mike | July 14th, 2008 at 11:07 am
As far more to the story the only thing that I left out was that we had been arguing alot since she switched jobs,prolly cause she was with her new guy.I appreciate the response and the fact you didnt sugar coat anything.Since I wrote you she has been calling more and more and has tried to do all she can to be with me sexually and do things like we are dating again its like we are going backwards go from living together and getting ready to get married to back to dating but she is living with the other guy I have no idea what is going on in her head.I just hate that I wasted the last 5 years on someone that could do this but at the same time its hard to let go of those old feelings I had for her
2. n2god | October 9th, 2009 at 11:33 am
I was surprised to see nothing in the advice about her initially plowing toward you after you back off. I’d think that would be the initial reaction because she won’t want to lose “her cake and eat it too”. After she does that, if you cut of contact, THEN I think is when you will see the “true” response… because only then will she have to “make the choice”. The pressing you for sex, etc, in my opinion, is just an attempt to keep you stuck in the triangle and hanging on. In the least, she is a very VERY selfish person. It’s one thing to cheat. It’s one thing to cheat and leave. But to cheat, leave, and try to persue you while she is clearly in a relationship with “the other man”??? WHAT is she thinking? First of all, it’s completely and utterly dishonest. It’s TOTALLY unfair to everybody involved. And it’s just downright MEAN AND CRUEL except she wouldn’t see that because she is too hung up on what SHE wants and needs to have the capacity and the heart to put others before herself. Please… run.. run far away and never look back!! Even if she DOES come back to you, she is extremely selfish and immature and has a LOT of growing up to do. She doesn’t deserve somebody of your caliber. Not until or unless she grows up, which will not be soon in my opinion. Sorry to be so blunt… I just hate it when people are so cruel and heartless like this. She needs a lot of counseling to get right with herself before she will be capable of truly giving and loving in a healthy way.