The Art of Pursuit for Men
By Nina Atwood
In my past two blogs on pursuing and taking the lead for men, I provided a guide for the art of courtship, which is rapidly disappearing from our culuture yet still needed by women.
When I wrote Be Your Own Dating Service, I still held the belief that it made no difference who pursued. In fact, I believed, it was empowering for women in today’s liberated society to do so. Boy was I wrong! That philosophy got me into a marriage with a man who wasn’t that into me, and it taught me a valuable lesson.
I no longer view the pursuit of a man as a function of empowerment as a modern woman. Instead, I view it as the wrong step to take in the dance of relationship as it robs her of insight into how much he wants her. I see it like ballroom dancing – both the man and woman have their roles, leader and follower. Each role is vital to the dance, but the whole point of the dance is to honor the woman.
Does this mean that the woman is some passive little flower that the man controls? Absolutely not! Taking your cues as a woman is an active, powerful role that requires you to have your own solid spiritual center. You must know who you are, what you want, your boundaries, and your standards. You must be able to say “no” to anything that is unhealthy for you. Women are usually more emotionally intelligent, so you must also be ready to provide loving feedback to a man so that he is more emotionally aware. (See Chapter Nine in Temptations of the Single Girl)
For guys, leadership is about courtship, not control. If you pursue a woman and she backs away, that is your signal to move on! Never, ever pursue a woman who gives you no sign that she is truly interested in you.
Men often write me asking what to do about a woman whom they ask out, take on dates, but experience frustration because of her lack of reciprocation. She won’t let him touch her (hand holding, kiss goodnight, etc.) and expresses no romantic feelings for him. I say, take your cues guys and move on from these dud deals that go nowhere. Your goal is to pursue a worthy woman who sees your value and WANTS you to pursue.
How do you know she wants you to pursue? She responds with joy when you ask her out. She gazes into your eyes when you’re with her. She leans toward you when speaking. Her focus is on YOU and you feel it! After you have been out with her a half a dozen times or so, you are clear that she’s truly interested in you. You have your first “shopping conversation” and discover you’re on the same page*.
Ahhh, that’s courtship!
*See Chapter 12 in Be Your Own Dating Service
Entry Filed under: Advice for Men,Advice for Women
3 Comments
1. New Attitude Single | May 4th, 2008 at 3:45 pm
This is an interesting post. I agree with your comments about when a guy should move on instead of spending valuable time and effort pursuing a dead end situation. So many people hang around and endure the senseless mind games associated with mixed messages or, when they truly look clearly at the interaction and exchange, it is evident that she is not really into him. I think that many Singles make poor decisions in hopes of finding a partner.
I must admit that I have mixed views on the comment about women not pursuing men. While I agree that men often (sometimes unconsciously) prefer that they are the one to pursue the woman. Furthermore, some men have even admitted that, despite her appearance and level of success, they tend to wonder if she is desperate. I still think, however, that there is something to be said for the self-assured woman who is not defined by cultural stereotypes and can pursue her goals with confidence…whatever they may be. If he is intimidated and judges her based on her initiation, then so be it. He is, perhaps a poor match. If he is flattered and shares her interest, then he may be happy to know that they may not have met without her efforts. Quite often men have also admitted that they lack the confidence to approach and maintain contact with a woman due to his fear of rejection. So, there may be two sides to consider in the art of pursuing. Each person should decide and define what is best for them.
2. Reciprocity | May 6th, 2008 at 2:09 pm
Lack of Reciprocity:
Hi Nina:
I’m one of those guys who have difficulty of letting go especially if I have passed more than 2 dates because it doesn’t come often for me to reach that plateau and some how I still see only few good ones even they say there’s plenty of fish.
Are you saying to move on and don’t have to do a “You & Me” talk? Some women (not the one that I’m dating) told me that perhaps she’s playing hard to get to test if I’m really in to her and waiting for me to express my feelings before she reciprocates and expresses hers?
Any advice or comments?
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