Tempted to Take the Lead: He’s Making Excuses
By Nina Atwood
Dear Nina: I am a graphic design student and recently moved to Chicago. I have been seeing a guy for about two months but very sporadically. My school occupies most of my time and he has his work obligations which makes our time to build anything very difficult. I am not sure if I should just be patient with him to see if anything comes of our relationship or if I should stop making excuses for him and move on. I want to urge to have more time with him but I also don’t want to be needy. I am not happy seeing him only once in while but because he doesn’t put forth the effort I figure he’s just not that into me. Yet, at the same time I’m putting just as much effort. Thank you for your time! and hope to hear back from you.. – Nikky
Dear Nikky,
You are smack in the middle of the Temptation to Take the Lead. It is so frustrating to date a guy who isn’t stepping up to the plate but that doesn’t even compare to the frustration you will feel down the road if you take the lead. Here’s what typically happens in those scenarios.
Mistakenly thinking that he needs encouragement, you have one of those “talks” in which you tell him how frustrated you are about the lack of time together. He then goes into how busy he is and you second-guess yourself, thinking, I’m really busy, too. Maybe I’m being too demanding. The next thing you know, you let him off the hook.
But it builds up all over again – another confrontation is inevitable. Why? Because dating and being intimate with someone leads to an emotional bond, and with that comes expectations: of deeper levels of intimacy and commitment, of more time together. It’s called building a relationship – one of the most natural things in life. When it doesn’t move that way, one or both people will be frustrated and unhappy.
Work and school are not legitimate blocks to a good relationship. The truth is that we make time for the most important parts of our lives. Couples who want to be together find the time, move things around, make concessions in other areas.
A guy who really wants to be with you makes the time for you. Period. So you are right – he’s just not that into you. If you stay in this, feeling short-changed, you will build resentment toward him, and that makes it more likely that he will back away. Instead, try this approach:
The next time you see him, calmly and clearly tell him that your relationship isn’t developing and that you’re not satisfied with that. Tell him you like him a lot but don’t see this going anywhere, and that you are not the kind of woman who settles for just anything. Wish him the best, ask him if he has any questions, and answer them truthfully.
DON’T fall into the trap of discussing how busy you both are. Here’s your comeback to that argument: We are both smart people, and I’m sure that we could find a way to arrange for more time together. But I expect you as the guy to take the lead and you aren’t, so I get it.
Be friendly, be warm, be forgiving, but be FIRM. Meet him somewhere so you can exit once the conversation has run its course. Gently say good-bye and get up and leave. Then, sit back, don’t call, and wait. If he calls in a few days or so and says he’s had a change of heart, that he misses you and wants to spend more time with you, evaluate at that point whether or not you want to take the risk of starting over.
But remember, behavior tells. If you give him a do-over, he must show substantially different behavior or else you’ll be right back in the same soup.
Be sure and get Temptations of the Single Girl so that you understand these dating traps and how to avoid them in the future.
Entry Filed under: Advice for Women
1 Comment
1. Making Time | May 6th, 2008 at 2:40 pm
Hi Coach:
Would your advice be the same for men to tell women who is busy, has no time and does not want to make time?
Cut out from: He’s Making Excuses
“The next time you see him; calmly and clearly tell him that your relationship isn’t developing and that you’re not satisfied with that. Tell him you like him a lot but don’t see this going anywhere, and that you are not the kind of woman who settles for just anything. Wish him the best, ask him if he has any questions, and answer them truthfully.”