Tempted to Settle: Going Back After Infidelity
By Nina Atwood
Dear Nina: It’s been three months since I broke up with my boyfriend of four years because he cheated. It still hurts like it happened yesterday and I can’t seem to get over the pain. I think about him everyday. I have read your book Temptations of the Single Girl and I learned so much about myself while reading it. I have made many of those mistakes throughout my life and I don’t want to make them again. How do I move on? How do I keep the distance from him? I am tempted to call him everyday, but I know that I deserve so much better than what he has to offer. How do I get the fairy tale ending that Kelly (from the book) had? – Michelle
Dear Michelle: I’m so sorry that you’re in pain. I have been there, felt all that, and wanted so badly to pick up the phone and call the guy who broke my heart. I know exactly how you feel, so my first message to you is one of encouragement. You did the right thing! Sometimes doing the right thing means taking a big hit to the heart – hang in there and I promise you it will get better.
Kelly earned her fairy tale ending through an intense commitment to her own well being first, men second. This is emotional muscle building time for you, and it’s critical for your path going forward. You have a golden opportunity right now to reinforce the lessons from the book so that you never again settle for this kind of relationship.
How do you stop yourself from picking up the phone? One step is to play that scenario out in your mind. Imagine yourself calling him, after he cheated. Now what? Are you going to beg to get him back? If so, you can imagine how humiliating that would feel.
Do you call him hoping that he begs for you to come back to him? If he wanted you back, he would be groveling already, begging you to forgive him. If you take the lead by calling him, you let him off the hook of having to make this right. He doesn’t have to do the emotional homework of realizing why he made this horrible mistake and then working hard to earn your trust back. If you call him, you signal him that what he did was okay, and that scenario leads to a repeat of the same pain.
It doesn’t sound like he’s invested enough in this relationship to fix what he broke, and you’re right – you deserve far better. You deserve a man who adores you, who can’t imagine his life without you, and who would never consider cheating.
How do you attract that kind of guy? Like Kelly, you must first love yourself – far too much to ever again settle. Like Kelly, you must nurture yourself. Exercise, water, meditation/prayer, and time with friends and family who love you – all are a healing balm.
As trite as it sounds, it’s very true – time is your friend. Every week that passes without you calling him is a victory – celebrate! Every week, you take a step closer to the life you want and a step away from this pain. So keep steppin’ honey! Love is just around the corner for you!
Entry Filed under: Advice for Women
