Temptation: Taking the Lead
By Nina Atwood
Dear Singlescoach: I am a 39 year old professional female that has recently met a guy on one of the dating sites. We hit it off instantly, we are professionals with similar backgrounds in clinical psychology. We’ve been talking for just over a month and I recently just returned from a visit to see him. My problem is, since I’ve returned my gut tells me there is somewhat of a disconnect. We both have been in two failed marriages and talked extensively about getting it right this time. My problem is I did most of everything to make the trip happen, and don’t really see that his actions are now matching the things we talked about when I was there. Am I over-reacting? Things are different, the calls are less, etc. – Signed: Got a gut feeling . . .
Dear Gut Feeling,
No, you are not over-reacting. You’re facing the Temptation to Take the Lead instead of taking your cues. The first cue that this relationship is out of balance - your having to take the lead arranging the trip. When a man is deeply interested in a woman, he makes things happen so he can be with her. If he doesn’t take the lead, it is one of only a couple of issues: a. he’s not that into her, or b. he’s a wounded guy who is trying to minimize risk. Either way, you get the short end of the stick.
The first thing you must do is acknowledge what you are sensing, but before you do, be ready to let this relationship go. Then, have the “you and me” conversation with him, along these lines:
“I want to talk about where we are in this relationship. It seems to me that since I traveled to see you something has shifted on your part. I want you to know it is okay if this isn’t the right relationship for you, or if you’re having doubts. I’m committed to getting the truth on the table so we know exactly where we stand. Can you agree that it is vital that we know where we stand each step along the way?”
After you put the subject on the table, do a LOT of listening, speaking only to ask clarifying questions. Be willing to dive deep to get the truth. Listen to your gut – it is telling you something important. You are close to the Temptation to Settle For less than a truly great relationship. But if you want the banquet instead of the crumbs, you must hold out for something really wonderful – a man who is crazy about you, who can’t wait to see you again, and who is ringing your phone off the hook.
Take a step back and alllow him the space to step up to the plate. If he does, your relationship may re-balance. If he doesn’t, you must let it go if you want the banquet.
You need some guidance to hold true to your path to a wonderful love. If you haven’t done so already, get a copy of Temptations of the Single Girl to understand how to keep a new relationship balanced so you have a shot at something good that can last. Learn more or buy it today!
Entry Filed under: Advice for Women
1 Comment
1. Terry | April 21st, 2008 at 12:45 pm
Just a note of caution. I thought I was doing better when I started dating a guy who was crazy about me. Except that my inner gut was telling me very early on that this guy just was,…well,… a train wreck. He called me constantly and became more and more intrusive, possessive and desperate to hold on, feeling entitled to my life and home.
One extreme to the other.
So just be carefull that the guy isn’t too crazy about you. I am now being threatened and stalked, while everyone else thinks he is a great guy “in love” with me!