Temptation: Sex Too Soon – Can We Have a Do-Over?
By Nina Atwood
Dear Singlescoach: Is it possible, after already falling into the temptation of having sex with my new guy too soon (we slept together on the third date), to back up and have a “do-over” ? I really like this man, and I think there is potential for a healthy relationship. I sense that he has a good heart, and I do not want to let him go. Brenda
Dear Brenda: Yes, it is possible, but it is very, very difficult to pull it off successfully because of the chemistry. If you can manage to do it over, you have a shot at a healthy relationship, and this can be a learning experience. Here are the basic steps to back up after succumbing to the temptation of getting sexual too soon:
1. Meet somewhere other than in either of your two homes and tell him you need to discuss your relationship (yes, his anxiety level will probably shoot up, but hang in there)
2. Reassure him that you are very interested in him and that this conversation’s purpose is to discover what is best for both of you
3. Tell him straight out that you slept with him far too soon (define it for him, using the teachings from the book)
4. Tell him you want to back up and build a foundation first by getting to know each other, understanding one another’s goals and values in life, and exploring compatibility
5. Ask him how he feels about taking that step back with you, and LISTEN carefully to how he responds
If he turns off, pulls away, gets hurt or defensive, or worst of all, angry, pay close attention. These are all signs of an insecure guy who is looking for the easy road, not an intentional guy who is looking for a committed relationship leading to marriage. Think of this as a first test of whether or not he has the emotional muscle to work on a relationship.
Be willing to ask bold questions to uncover the truth, Brenda. You may discover that his feelings for you are no deeper than sexual attraction. You may discover that his image of you is too tainted at this point by the male double-standard that unfortunately persists.
But if you discover that he’s relieved and very willing to go down the do-over path with you, you may have a nice romance in the making. Here’s how to do that: for now, your dates need to be in public places and you should minimize alcohol. If he picks you up for a date, don’t ask him in unless there is someone else there so that you won’t be tempted to jump in the sack.
No candlelight dinners or hanging out at one of your homes; stick with conservative clothing. A short time with the passionate kissing; don’t let yourself get too aroused. Most of all, make a conscious choice before each date about your sexuality and keep your commitment to your self.
Even though you don’t want to lose this guy, you must be emotionally in the place of letting him go for the first few months (see more about that in the book). Regardless of where this relationship goes, taking these steps will make it far more likely that you will emerge with your self-esteem and pride as a woman intact.
Get your copy of Temptations of the Single Girl today so that you can reinforce this new path and understand the steps to a wonderful relationship!
Entry Filed under: Advice for Women
