Temptation: Choosing High Risk Relationships
By Nina Atwood
Dear Nina: I’m a single mom of a 7 year old boy. I’ve been dating a guy for a year and a half. He told me many times that he wants to marry me and raise my son and that he has no intention of letting us get away. We’ve had issues of his agreeing to do something – making plans for the future – and he changes them based on his own reasons with no discussion with me. Also, keeping things a secret for no reason, like going out with friends for drinks after work, which would have been no problem for me.
After leaving my house one day, he left his email logged in. Yes, I realize it’s horrible but I read some chats he had with his ex-girlfriend who is married. In these chats they refer to conversations they’ve had about our relationship that are quite different than what I hear on my end. Mainly, it was the disrespectful attitude toward me that shocked me. He even said he had to go unwillingly to comfort me when my friend passed away suddenly form an aneurism. While I should have never done that, how else would I know he had this seeming contempt for me. There were many other issues – old girlfriends sending pornographic pictures to him, telling others he gave me a car stereo because he was “getting laid”. We’re not speaking and he’s convinced I’m in the wrong, those things were never meant for my eyes. Is there any reason to try to salvage this? – Leann
Dear Leann,
If you “try to salvage this,” you will fall right into the temptation of choosing a high risk relationship. It’s high risk at this point because the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. That means it’s extremely likely that if you date him again he will break your heart all over again down the road over similar issues.
You checked his email, rightly or wrongly, because of a gut feeling of suspicion that he’s not all that he seems to be. Turns out your intuition was right-on. His real character was revealed to you – that he does not hold you (or probably any woman) in high regard. He’s not committed to you, not devoted to you; instead, he’s using you to get some of his needs met while he keeps his options open. You’re right – his behavior exhibits total disrespect of you and of the relationship you shared.
My question to you is this: Why would you consider going back to him? You can’t salvage a relationship with someone of low character. I could see your temptation if you were seeing genuine, deep remorse from him for his treatment of you and other women. I could see why you might give him another chance if he’s crawling on his knees over broken glass begging your forgiveness, signing up for therapy with you. Instead, he’s pointing out your transgression (checking his email). This is like the cheating spouse who, when caught, defends himself because his wife was too busy with their kids to give him enough attention. Please.
Real, loving relationships are built on trust and shared values. You have neither with this guy. It’s time to cut your losses and learn from this situation. Your son needs to grow up around a man who models good character and values, someone who he can witness treating his Mom with the maximum levels of respect and genuine love.
Now, I want you to QUICKLY order and read my new book, Temptations of The Single Girl – it will show you how you got into this, how to avoid high risk relationships in the future, and how to attract a true good guy to love and be loved by. Find out more, or order today from Wheatmark.
Entry Filed under: Advice for Women
