I’m Addicted to My Ex: Help!
By Nina Atwood
Dear Singlescoach®: I have been in a relationship now for about five years - at times great and others not so great. Meanwhile, I think I may have a love addiction to my ex which happens to be my two childrens’ father. We had a fabulous relationship for about eight months and then downhill from there for nine years. He put me through h***. Recently we have been sexually active only because when my current partner and I fight he is the first person I call. Our relationship over the past couple of years has been great as friends ”for the kids,” sort of. He and my current boyfriend get along very well, except that my boyfriend is insecure when my ex and I are around each other. I really love my boyfriend but I just can’t stop thinking about my ex. I keep wondering what it would be like if we could be together again one day. I’m in love with two people. If I could combine them together he would be the perfect man. HELP!!!!!!!
Dear Anonymous: You are in the middle of the Temptation of Dating Without Integrity. Both your current boyfriend and your ex are caught in a web of deceit. Withholding the truth from people you date so you can meet your needs at their expense hurts everyone.
Love addiction is the opposite of real love. Love addiction is based on the excitement of the thrills, chills, and spills of dysfunctional relationships. Love addiction is based on fantasy – in this case, the fantasy that a guy who put you through nine years of pain and only gave you only eight months of joy could be good for you without significant change.
Here is the harsh reality: You don’t love either man because if you did, you wouldn’t even consider cheating. Real love means doing what is in your partner’s best interest as well as yours, never doing what is blatantly hurtful.
To leave this trap behind you, you must be honest with yourself and then with others. You must drop the game-playing, both in your head with fantasies about your ex and in your behavior. That means that you choose one path or the other: reuniting with your ex OR real commitment to your boyfriend.
By choosing one path, you will uncover your own discomfort with commitment. Love addicts resist commitment because it requires facing up to the day-to-day reality of making a relationship work by negotiating your needs and respecting another’s needs. It means communication that is open, honest, and drama-free, and to addicts that can seem boring.
Ultimately, authentic relationships are far from boring because they free your spirit to really grow. It’s the difference between getting high on substances or addictive relationships and feeling uplifted naturally. Genuine positive energy comes from having a sense of purpose in life and focusing on making a positive difference in some way. By choosing out of the addictive pattern and into an authentic relationship with yourself and others, you give yourself the gift of a fulfilling life.
Entry Filed under: Dating
