How to Date a Guy Who Won’t Cheat
By Nina Atwood
I receive tons of email from women, and I’ve counseled many women over the years, who have suffered through the devastation of infidelity. The broken trust, the heartache, and the inability to trust a new man – these are the issues that dog a woman whose mate cheated. But are there ways to prevent cheating even before marriage? Sounds odd, but I do think the seeds are often planted during courtship, and both men and women can have influence over this devastating dynamic while dating.
M. Gary Neuman explains the top reasons why men cheat in his new book, The Truth About Cheating (Wiley, 2008), available on amazon.com. Gary’s purpose in writing the book is not to blame women but to enlighten and empower them. I also believe that with awareness, there are things women can do to lessen the likelihood of an affair.
Neuman says that the top reason why men cheat is that they don’t feel appreciated or valued. The number two reason why men cheat is that they don’t feel they can win with their wives. These explanations ring true, as I’ve heard them from men countless times over the years. Should we let them off the hook for these reasons? Absolutely not, but we can learn from them.
Women often date men they don’t truly value. At first, he’s wonderful. But as time goes on and with familiarity, it is tempting to begin focusing on his flaws. He’s not as ambitious as he should be. He doesn’t make enough money. He’s not handy around the house. He watches sports too much, doesn’t pay her enough attention. He’s a little overweight, or doesn’t work out enough. The list goes on and on.
What she should do at this point is make a decision: a. I really love him, warts and all, and I’m willing to stop focusing on his flaws and underscore all the wonderful things about him that I fell in love with, or b. I don’t love him enough to overcome the flaws that are bugging me, so rather than torture him by trying to get him to change, I’m moving on.
What often happens instead is that she stays with him, marries him, continues her plan to “improve” him, and over time conveys the strong message that he’s just not good enough for her. This is a formula for an affair at some point during the marriage if he meets another woman who truly does admire him. She builds him up, the wife beats him down – everyone loses.
The way to avoid this trap is quite simple, and all of the keys are in my book, Temptations of the Single Girl. Here are a couple:
- Put off sex for a considerable period of time. Why? Because once you sleep with him, the choosing is over – you’re bonded and he’s now “the one,” even though you don’t yet know him.
- Pace the relationship while you allow time to peel away the top layers of his personality so that you can find out who he really is underneath, warts and all. Deliberately balance the feelings of falling in love with an attitude of “we’ll see” so that you can get the full picture.
- Once you know him, search your heart and soul and be brutally honest with yourself – do you genuinely love him for who he is and who he is not? Can you truly accept him – the entire picture? If so, great! If not, move on!
Real love is about acceptance. The purpose of dating is to discover who the person is that you are falling for so that you can determine whether or not you can accept that person fully. If you don’t, you are setting yourself up for future affairs. If you do, you have a real platform for marriage.
Guys: never marry a woman who doesn’t truly love, accept, and admire for who you are. Court her, yes, but don’t make it your goal to dazzle her 24/7. Be real, be authentic, and be willing to push back to find out if she really loves you for who you are, not some fantasy guy. Give her the full picture of you and your life, and challenge her to decide if she can accept you. Flip side – don’t be rigid – be willing to work on the little things that will make life easier for you as a couple.
Entry Filed under: Dating
3 Comments
1. Patti | November 12th, 2008 at 11:26 am
I did all of the above, was in a relationship for 16 years, and found out my exbf was a sex addict with OTHER women! I am devastated! I cannot even wrap my mind, let alone heart around what he has done to me. I was always in his corner, helped him around his house and farm. No matter how hard I tried, this was the eventual outcome! It is just too easy for people to screw around ….its in your face all the time, and if you want to cheat the opportunities are endless! Its difficult to trust people, when they just use and abuse!
2. Jennie | January 12th, 2009 at 7:23 pm
The advice on this page is about “normal” men, not sex addicts or sociopaths who will cheat no matter how well they are treated. Some men (and women, I’m sure) just lack the moral fiber to be faithful. If you get hurt by someone like that, don’t blame yourself and try to move on.
3. brirach | January 19th, 2009 at 2:32 pm
I am so sorry Patti.