He’s Dating “Barbies” and Getting Burned
By Nina Atwood
Dear Nina: I’m in the radio business, married to my job for ten years and moving from city to city. It’s difficult to date because of my schedule. Also, I’m insecure when I’m not in front of the mic. I am drawn to the Barbies – the really beautiful ones, though I feel insecure around them in normal social settings. I don’t experience satisfying or lasting relationships. I tend to remain detached from the women I sleep with out of self-protection. Recently I met a drop dead gorgeous girl who was dating someone else. We spent time together, a little bit physical, behind his back. But when she broke up with him, she asked for space (which I gave her), then turned up with a new boyfriend. This has rocked my world – I feel deeply hurt, and I don’t know whether or not to wait for her (he may be the rebound). I also don’t know if I can trust her, but at the same time I really want her. Lately I’ve been questioning my career path and the impact on my life. I’m very lonely despite meeting tons of beautiful women all the time. I sleep too much which makes me wonder if I’m depressed. I realize I’m too picky about women – always wanting the “whole package,” beauty and professional success. Can you give me some insight? I feel like I’m always missing the boat when it comes to women. – JoJo
Dear JoJo: First I must validate your experience of the radio DJ business – a great deal of it is founded in the pursuit of superficial things that are devoid of fulfillment. If you’re not careful, you can get caught up in the lifestyle – too much alcohol + the pursuit of sex without love = false relationships.
Because people in the business are seen as mini-celebrities, you can find yourself being the object of flattery. Relationships are exciting in the moment but ultimately are superficial and meaningless. If you seek beauty first, they will seek money or fame first. That’s called “objectification” – treating people like objects and being treated the same way in return. At the end of the day, you feel empty and lonely, unappreciated for who you really are, and the more you engage in this lifestlye, the worse it gets.
My sense is that you are caught in a paradox – you have set goals for yourself in this business, but remaining in the business may be keeping you from achieving your personal goals. The first step is self-awareness, and yours is attempting to awaken. You have the opportunity here to make some key decisions that will have long-lasting impact on your life.
What do you really want? My sense is that you want more fulfillment in your job and you also want the ability to connect in a meaningful way with women. All roads lead to home, JoJo, so I suggest you begin with you.
Take a step back, get some counseling, and begin to focus on things that fill you from the inside. Take a step back from dating as well, so that you can learn how to connect emotionally with good boundaries. Men focus on sex and fear intimacy because they haven’t developed good emotional boundaries that tell them when a particular woman is not emotionally available for a real relationship. Your latest relationship is an example – her spending time with you behind the ex’s back was an unconscious attempt to get her needs met at your expense. It lacked integrity for you both – not an empowering foundation for love.
Real love is about the deep down essense of who you are, meeting someone else’s essence and finding acceptance for one another. Yes, you can find that with someone who is beautiful on the outside, but that can’t be your primary goal. When you meet and connect with someone special, you find that she is beautiful in your eyes, even if she’s not a super model.
The first person you need to love is yourself, JoJo. I don’t mean the “high” you feel ego-wise after a good gig. I mean the satisfaction at the end of a day when you look back and see that you made a positive difference; I mean feeling fulfilled by your work, not pumped up by it.
This is going to be a journey for you, and I applaud your taking these first steps. Remain on the path, questioning what it is that you really want, and I assure you the answers will come. Reach out and get more help, like you did writing me. No great journey in life takes place solo – it is easier and more rewarding with help and support.
Entry Filed under: Advice for Men
