Can You Be Too Nice to a Woman?
By Nina Atwood
Mike, newly divorced and getting out into the dating scene, made this remark: “I’ve learned not to be too nice to women. For instance, if I see a woman’s profile on Match.com and I send her a disparaging remark, I get a response, usually something like ‘You just need to get to know me better.’ If I’m too nice, women don’t respond.”
Unfortunately, there is a grain of truth in Mike’s contention. I’ve heard countless times from really wonderful men that they get feedback from women telling them they are too nice. What a sad statement about today’s dating scene.
The question is: can a guy be too nice? The answer is, it depends on what you mean by “too nice.” If being too nice means showering a woman with attention who clearly doesn’t want it from you, then yes, that’s too nice. If being too nice means being a doormat to a woman who completely takes you for granted, yes that’s too nice. If too nice means needy and desperate, that clearly doesn’t work.
If being nice means being a gentleman – calling a woman up, asking her out in advance, treating her to a nice evening, treating her with respect – you can NEVER be too nice. If being nice means that you aim for love and marriage instead of sexual seduction, you can NEVER be too nice. If being nice means that you lay your cards on the table so that she feels safe and emotionally secure with you, you can NEVER be too nice.
Courtship is a beautiful dance when it’s done well. The guy takes the lead, asking her out. She responds by taking a step in sync with him – showing him that she’s interested and having a good time. From time to time, she reciprocates by creating a special date for him. If her responding step is away or disinterested or feedback that he’s too nice, that’s a signal, guys, that you may be pursuing someone who prefers the bad boys.
And that brings me to the flip side of the coin – the bad boys. Yes, you can be a bad boy who charms then acts like a jerk, who seduces with no thought of the emotional impact on women, who does the dance of “come here, go away.” If that is your dating game, you too can attract women who are attracted to jerks. What will be your reward for this kind of dance? Most likely, a short-term, high drama, chaotic, exciting-in-a-bad-way relationship that will suck your finances and emotions and end badly.
What is the reward for the dance of courtship seeking real love? Yes, you’ll have to pass up the women who are not interested in being treated well. But if you persist, your reward will be a soul mate – a loving woman who appreciates you for exactly who you are – a good guy. My vote, clearly, is for the latter.
Entry Filed under: Advice for Men,Dating
