Can Friends With Benefits Become More?
By Nina Atwood
This question was posted on Shine: Can friends with benefits develop into more? My friend will sit up with me and talk about his private family things and things he’s going through. Is that normal? I thought friends with benefits was hooking up, going home together, having some fun, and talk to you next time. I didn’t think you shared your thoughts and feelings with each other. – Friend Who Wants More
Dear FWWM: Some men talk with prostitutes after sex – and yes, about their personal lives. Men share their troubles with women they are having affairs with, which is why some of those relationships go much farther than either party intended at the beginning. Why? Because sex is often the gateway to intimacy for men. Unfortunately, it rarely is the gateway to commitment.
Here’s what your FWB guy is NOT doing: Calling you his girlfriend, telling you he loves you, being exclusive with you, sending you cards, giving you flowers; in short, what he’s not doing is pursuing you for a committed relationship. He’s having sex with you, and it is extremely unlikely that he will ever see you as more than an object of gratification and comfort.
Meanwhile, between the lines in your question is the obvious: you are starting to fall for him. This is the problem with FWB relationships: one person usually falls in love while the other person gets their needs met and moves on. It just doesn’t work, unless you are that very rare couple – neither one of you bonds, you see each other as objects, and you move on quickly.
Bottom line, FWWM, you are deep in the Tempation to Settle for Less than a truly great relationship with a guy who adores you. You are accepting crumbs instead of holding out for the banquet. My suggestion: Ask! Ask him how he really feels about you, on the slim chance that he wants more but thinks you don’t. If he doesn’t jump all over the opportunity to move this relationship to the next level, move on. Move on now before this gets to the stage of abandonment because he met someone he is really into in all the ways that count.
Entry Filed under: Dating
1 Comment
1. Tracy | October 11th, 2008 at 2:55 pm
I like this approach: ask him. What a great way to find out. There is no bothering your best girlfriends with “What do you think it could mean?” scenarios. So much better than the stone approach of cutting him off abruptly. It does take courage to ask. Yikes! What if he says no; or worse, what if he say yes??? What responsibility do you have in this? He wants the best for you, as all good friends do… But not asking him is being dishonest with him.