Can a Wounded Guy Change?
By Nina Atwood
Dear Nina: I was reading the chapters offered on your site, which made me want to buy the book. But I was particularly caught off guard by the chapter “Loving a wounded guy”. Especially the non-intentional type which perfectly describes someone I know very well. We never dated but he is one of my best friends. So what I wanted to ask is can someone ever change that or is it like your eye color and basically you’re stuck with it? He is a good guy and will do anything for you but he basically doesn’t care and when he does things he doesn’t have any remorse whatsoever about it. Or doesn’t show if he does. I guess I’m asking it cause I just worry that he is never going to do anything with his life. He is perfectly content with just getting by. – Amanda
Dear Amanda,
The exact opposite is true: being wounded, or non-intentional, about life is not like eye color which can never be changed. I use the word ”wounded” because like an injury or illness in the body, emotional or psychological wounds also can heal. So yes, your friend can change; in fact, if he were to decide to do so, he could change dramatically.
When I look back on my early twenties, I was adrift, non-intentional, and very wounded. But I made a decision at some point to change my life, and I had enough self-awareness to realize that it was the “I” that needed changing, not the others around me. That is the secret to an ever-expanding, developing, growth-filled life of purpose and meaning - focusing on the “I,” always searching for deeper levels of awareness, making better choices.
Will your friend choose that path? I don’t know - no one does, except God. Can you help him make that choice? I don’t think so. Self-awareness often comes at a price – in the form of some kind of life crisis along with lots of pain, like Kelly’s experience in the book. Since your friend doesn’t appear to feel remorse, I would say he is seriously disadvantaged spiritually.
Appropriate remorse and guilt are spiritual sign posts that tell us we’re off track. If we ignore those signposts, there are often large pitfalls ahead to grab our attention and offer the opportunity to stop and take a serious inward look. You can’t create that for him. But you can hold that intention for him spiritually, so to speak, whether by thinking of it or praying for it, consistent with your spiritual practices.
Meanwhile, I hope the book has increased your self-awareness so that you don’t date a non-intentional wounded guy and put your own happiness in jeopardy. There are plenty of wonderful, loving men out there who are interested in a life of joy and growth with a great woman!
Entry Filed under: Advice for Women
