Why Doesn’t a Relationship Based on Sex Work?
By Nina Atwood
Dear Singlescoach: I just ended a five month relationship based primarily on sex which I thought would lead to more, and it didn’t. I also can’t seem to find a strong enough man who is not intimidated by an independent woman. – Lara
Dear Lara:
Let’s separate these two issues and tackle them separately. Let’s start with the question of sexuality. Relationships built primarily on sex tend to work just fine for many men, but don’t work out for most women. That’s because women are wired to seek love through the back door of sex, while men are wired to seek sex through the back door of love. It’s one of those built in drivers that seems confounding when it comes to the differences between men and women, almost like we’re the butt of some cosmic joke.
All kidding aside, your first step to a healthy relationship is to get clear about what you want. If you want love and commitment, then put that desire out front. One of the Temptations of the Single Girl is getting sexual too soon. When you do, you compromise your ability to be selective. That’s because sex, for people who are heart-centered, is a bonding act. You can’t sleep with a guy more than three times without either breaking up (because you didn’t enjoy it) or falling in love.
Once you fall in love, which happens very quickly for most women when they sleep with a guy, the selecting part is done. You don’t want to be the one-night-stand or the transitional woman, or be seen as promiscuous. You want to be the girlfriend, with all the trappings: romantic weekends together, going out, cuddling in front of the fireplace while sipping wine, meeting his friends and family, etc. You’re moving down the road to happily-ever-after. Meanwhile, he’s still checking you out!
Most men do not fall in love through sex, especially when sex is offered in the first three dates. That doesn’t mean a guy won’t bond through sex – he may, but it doesn’t usually lead to commitment. Here’s why.
Men tend to commit to women that they have to pursue, court, wine and dine, and chase after. They are wired to build strong feelings for a woman through the act of pursuing a goal – winning her heart. Seems terribly cave-mannish, and the feminist in you (and me) might rail against it, but that’s how it works. Guys like to pursue, and they don’t tend to appreciate a woman who forks over her body and heart at the get-go. Let me phrase that differently: strong men like to pursue, and since one of your stated goals is to be with a strong guy, you’ll need a behavior change in order to attract one. That means no more relationships based on sex.
Entry Filed under: Advice for Women
3 Comments
1. Lara | September 26th, 2007 at 12:56 pm
Thanks so much !! This makes a lot of sense and I know what you are saying is true. Lara
2. Lynn | June 8th, 2008 at 7:09 am
Dear Singlescoach, my husband gets pouty and throws little kid fits if I don’t give him sex everynight. He is 44 and I am 46, he says we can’t have a healthy marriage without a healthy (every night) sex life. I am having some lumbar disc problems and it is painful for me, he says that if I can do the exercises the Dr prescribed then sex should only help. If we are not having sex then we aren’t talking. I feel like his feelings for me are not love but lust and told him I thought he needs help. Is this a hopeless relationship? We have only been married 8 months and 6 of it has been spent fighting about sex.
3. Nina Atwood | June 10th, 2008 at 6:44 pm
Dear Lynn,
A healthy sex life is a vital part of a good marriage – your husband is right about that. However, every night is not a requirement, and when health issues make it painful, you want sympathy not pouting.
It’s not unusual for one person in a relationship to have a desire for more frequent sex than the other person. Like any other issue that you disagree about, you must learn to negotiate your needs. No, your marriage is not hopeless; you do need better communication. Try this script with him, when you’re in a good space, not angry or hostile:
“Sweetheart, I enjoy being intimate with you, and I agree that it’s an important part of a good marriage. I will do my best to understand that you have a greater frequency rate than I do. I need you to understand that when I’m in pain, that’s not a good time for me. Let’s work together to communicate about this in a more loving way.”
From there, stay in the dialog until you work out a way for both of you to get your needs met. If you find that you can’t do this effectively on your own, seek help from a good marriage counselor.