Why Do Men Disappear?
By Nina Atwood
Andie met Scott at a party, the home of mutual friends. After much consumption of alcohol, they retreated to a bedroom and a night of passionate sex ensued. Though he got her phone number and text messaged her for a few days, he ultimately disappeared. Andie understood that was likely to happen and let it go. Then, three months later, she thought of him again when their mutual friend mentioned that it was Scott’s birthday, so she TM’d a birthday message. That got a response of some witty TM’s followed by his request to come over and hang out.
Hanging out Friday night led to a marathon weekend sexual experience, punctuated by going out a couple of times. By Sunday morning, it felt like they were in full swing with a new relationship. The next five days were a whirlwind: lots of affectionate TMs, phone calls, going out, spending the night together having passionate sex. Scott took Andie to her own birthday party on Friday night. All was well until they said good-bye Saturday morning with promises to get back together soon. Then, everything ground to a halt. Scott disappeared, and Andie fell into an emotional tailspin. What went wrong? Why did he stop wanting her? She couldn’t stop thinking about Scott, wondering why he disappeared.
We’ll never know (unless he shows up and explains) why Scott disappeared from Andie’s life. Maybe he felt awkward about starting out with sex; men often feel overly obligated to continue a relationship after sleeping with a woman, and obligation isn’t a positive foundation, so they unhook. Maybe an old girlfriend, whom he was madly in love with, showed up in his life again. Maybe he realized that he wasn’t forming the right emotions with Andie; a guy who’s looking for the whole package of real love isn’t going to want sexual chemistry alone, so he moves on.
However, Scott’s abrupt exit isn’t Andie’s real issue. The real issue is how she allowed herself to be drawn into a non-intentional relationship with absolutely no boundaries as well as the future impact if she doesn’t change that pattern.
Why does a guy disappear? Mostly because he isn’t emotionally invested in the relationship. No commitment has been offered, so nothing is at stake. He’s checking her out, even as he makes passionate love to her. When he’s not with her, he’s wondering what this relationship means and whether or not she’s right for him. At the end of the day, though, he disappears because he doesn’t want the relationship.
The question for Andie - any woman - to ask herself is this: How much risk am I willing to take while a guy checks out how he feels about me? To what degree do I want to give away my heart and body before he puts something at stake with me?
My newest book, Temptations of the Single Girl: The Ten Dating Traps You Must Avoid, answers these questions and much more! Make sure you sign up for my newsletter to get the answers.
Entry Filed under: Advice for Women
3 Comments
1. Fawn | November 26th, 2007 at 5:27 pm
good insight into this phenomenon
2. Cloudy | January 29th, 2008 at 9:15 am
Hmm… to me it makes a lot of sense, but I am a guy. I mean the guy already got what he wanted (sex), so why would he come back for more? Most guys will not respect a woman who is easy and will not want a serious relationship with her. So, he had a good time, and got what he wanted already with little commmittment. Also, he is probably a player too. So, there you have it.
3. jazmine | August 29th, 2008 at 4:55 am
This is more of a question then a commnet. Ive been having dating issues. confused and so unaware of how it works. I m a victim of a very abusive relationship 3 yeras ago of 8 years, which i blame myself for not leaving before he laid his hands on me and cheated, which was the staw that broke the camels back. Now i seem to have the biggest problems with men and trying to determinie whats right and wrong with them. Im a pretty attractive girl and have no problems attracting men but more of a problem keeping them around. its been one guy after another whether i sleep with them or not. So heres 3 scenerios of the men I have been recently encountering.
I was dating a marine 2 months back, that ive known for 2 years. we started off as friends. things were goin pretty good. He lived 40 miles from me. i would drive to meet him for dates and crash there because it was so far. We never slept together. but he gave me all indications that he was imterested. He would text me every morning and call me. He seemed to be the perfect match. before the last date ended he asked me If Id visit if he lived further away. I said sure. After the last date he texted me every morning as routine for 3 days and then completely shut me out and didnt hear from him again.
Where as, I have a friend at the same time who is in love with me but we cant be together for 1 our personalities clash, we both have so much going on, we just weigh eachother down in frustration. with him we do sleep together. However He has cancer, so that leaves me to believe that because I have been there for him, it leads him to feel as if Im the next best thing, But i still see us as just best friends, Id rather have someone to want me not need me. .
And now my brothers friend, who had a major crush on me when I was 13 is coming around. He was 18 then so I never once looked at him in that way. He came to my brothers wedding and is now confessing these long drwn out feelings hes had for me that he thought has passed. (Another military guy). He sounds pretty descent right the only problem is….He is married with a child. He knows that I will never persue that even if I did ever have feelings for him. So I feel like all my life im going to be getting these types men…. What is ging on help