What is Limerance?
By Nina Atwood
Sandy fell deeply in love with Greg over the course of their romance. By the fourth date she was sure he was the one for her. He seemed to return her feelings and their relationship progressed nicely until the fourth week. Suddenly, he stopped calling as much, begging off with excuses like overwork and needing time with his buddies. The more he pulled away, the more obsessed she became with trying to get him back. He began avoiding her calls and not returning her emails, and this sent her into an emotional tailspin.
This story took a dramatic turn when she showed up at his work and demanded that he talk to her. Embarrased that this emotionally overwrought woman had shown up at his office, Greg asked her to leave. The situation escalated until the police were called, at which point she hastily left, deeply ashamed of her behavior.
After that, Sandy suffered off and on for the next three years, yearning for the return of her lover – yes, the guy who had spurned her. Though she desperately wanted to get over him, she found that she couldn’t rid herself of constant, intrusive thoughts of Greg. She idealized him in her mind and admonished herself for ruining their relationship. Sandy suffered from the downside of limerance.
Limerance is a word coined by author Dorothy Tennov in her book Love and Limerance: The Experience of Being in Love, first published in 1979. In a nutshell, limerance is the same as falling madly in love, except that the love isn’t returned equally, triggering an obsessive response in the limerant person (LP).
Tennov’s work is a bit controversial in that there isn’t much distinction between limerance and the absolutely normal experience of falling in love. At some point, however, the limerant person crosses the line into obsession. That obsession leads to suffering due to the inability of the LP to turn off the intrusive thought patterns.
Often LPs hide the problem, even from therapists, fearing that they will be viewed as crazy. Being told to “get over it” doesn’t help as the condition is much like an addiction. It is involuntary, meaning that the obsessive thoughts happen to the LP despite a wish for them to stop. Understanding the condition helps.
If you suffer from limerance, you can gain relief by seeing a therapist who understands the condition and can help you work through to a point of healing. Sharing your story helps as well. Post your confidential message below if you have been on either end of this dynamic (LP – limerant person; or LO – limerant object).
Entry Filed under: Relationships
3 Comments
1. Barbara | March 19th, 2008 at 12:36 pm
It appears that im a “limerant” after reading some descriptions-problem is,im involved in this type of “state” for over 8 years.Also im married and so is he.Ive tried to break it off at least 20 times but we both cant seem to let it go. And youre right -the highs are incredible but the lows are awful.To intensify the problem we are also best friends for 40 years and so are our spouses.I feel disater coming if i cant control my emotions over this man and i cant seem to.What can i do??????
2. Mary | October 21st, 2008 at 9:04 am
A very good article on the ‘obsessive’ type of limerence. (This is the correct spelling, by the way).
I’d like to reply to Barbara but suppose she may not see my comment, which is a pity.
From what Barbara has written, I’m not at all sure this is true limerence, as more often than not limerence is not reciprocated, except at the beginning of a mutual relationship.
She is having an affair with a married man who she has known for a long time, as am I, except I am divorced and Barbara has a spouse.
Certainly I am far more limerent than my ‘partner’ but it’s not uncommon for this to be the case in most relationships. A limerent partner is more often than not a turn off for women.
An affair is a capped relationship which generally speaking can’t go anywhere. Perhaps it is a form of limerence to wish that it would, but the longevity of Barbara’s seems to indicate that she and her lover have something very genuine together.
I know there is disparity between the feelings of myself and my lover because there is never any question of him leaving his wife.
For this reason, I stay in the relationship of choice but remain entirely open to the possibility of finding a more available partner – and stopping the guilt.
I do admit though to limerent tendencies or I would stop cheating with another woman’s husband right NOW. I’ve tried to do this a number of times and failed.
3. Anonymous | October 27th, 2008 at 1:56 pm
I have had this throughout my life. It’s horrible. I can’t help but to get obsessed with guys I’ve never even talked to, and I really wish that something would happen… and yet… I’m too afraid of it to even look them in the eye! I get greatly encouraged by something as small as “Oh he looked at me!” and greatly discouraged if he *doesn’t* look at me, or if he talks to some other girl.
Does that sound pathetic? Are you thinking how stupid/pathetic I am? Well, yeah, it is, and I know it. I can’t help it, though. I’m trying to stop. Right now I have a rubber band around my wrist and I pop it every time I think about the current “obsession”… I called it an “obsession” before I heard of limerance but limerance is a much better word. The Wikipedia article describes me so well.