This is Commitment Phobia
By Nina Atwood
True commitment phobia is a pervasive intra-personal phenomenon (meaning that it resides within an individual, not in a relationship, and that it impacts other areas of life for that person). The true commitmentphobe is not just afraid of intimacy or of making a commitment to a person he/she is dating, but also may be afraid of making everyday life decisions.
This person suffers from a debilitating fear of loss of options, meaning that the brain cannot grasp the reality that choices can be undone if they prove to be self-harmful down the road. To the commitmentphobe, today’s choice is carved in stone, forever, and with no way out, or with only an agonizingly painful way out. Decisions are viewed through a distorted lens that sees them as permanent. Ironically, commitmentphobes view commitment very seriously; but far too seriously, like the OCD person who views cleanliness too seriously, washing his hands 100 times per day.
When confronted with a demand to make a commitment, the commitmentphobe freezes inside. Fear escalates rapidly and may even be experienced as a fear of death. The commitmentphobe then creates a way to escape this cornered feeling, often by creating conflict, shutting off emotionally, and other behaviors that drive the other person away. If those tactics fail, the commitmentphobe will leave the relationship.
Commitmentphobes tend to prefer fantasy relationships – falling in love early on, but not being able to translate that into a deeper, devoted kind of love. The enchantment stage of the relationship is about as far as a commitmentphobe can go; beyond that, fear begins to dominate the emotional landscape. Fear wins every time, and the commitmentphobe moves on to seduce another person, often hoping that this time it will be different. In the next post, we’ll look at how you can spot a true commitmentphobe.
Entry Filed under: Relationships
