Temptation: Choosing High Risk Relationships
By Nina Atwood
Alex asks:
I am 27 years old, have spent the majority of my adult life single and have never really been in love. I have always had the philosophy that I would rather be single than with someone for the sake of it, and thus far I have found that most of the guys I have dated (admittedly my age and younger) were really only looking for the physical side of a relationship. I also seem to get the guys who pursue me and want to make me fall for them, but as soon as I start to have feelings for them they disappear.
So anyway I recently met a wonderful man. I am a very emotional type, and feel so full of love for everyone close to me that sometimes I wonder if anyone else really feels like this – lol. I had decided that it would be pretty impossible to find a man who would “get” me, and would be able to connect with me on an emotional level, until I met this man! He expresses his emotions all the time, and can tell me exactly how I am feeling too – and he gets it right every single time! It is amazing, and when I am in his presence I can just feel the electricity, and the connection, it feels so special. The only problem is…he is 50 years old. He think this is too much of a gap, and he therefore told me that while he wanted so much to be with me (we have only kissed- which is incredible as the temptation to do more has been very strong whenever we have been together), he knows that someone will get hurt because we are at different stages in our lives. I cried so much that night, because it is the first time I have met someone even vaguely on my level in emotional terms, and it was like a huge wave of relief just to be in the presence of a like minded person – who I feel truly understands my essence and vice versa. His point is that he doesn’t want to have children, whereas he knows I do, and that for something to happen between us, because he knows how powerful our feelings are already – after such a brief encounter – he would need to feel that it was going to last.
How can I possibly know if it would last forever? OR that I won’t want children some day. I cannot give those guarantees, but I also do not want to forego this journey, and the possiblility of being close to someone who I can really connect with. What if I will never get to feel these feelings again? Please help, I can’t concentrate on anything and I feel like my heart is on my sleeve and in a somewhat precarious position! Thank you in advance.
Alex
Dear Alex,
The real issue in your situation isn’t his age. Lots of couples have very successful relationships with significant age differences. What counts is shared values, being of like mind and heart, and commitment.
Commitment is your real issue. This man is telling you right up front that he cannot picture himself making a commitment to a woman who wants children. He doesn’t want children, and he’s smart enough to know that if you two get into a relationship, there’s going to be a tug-of-war down the road. I suspect that it’s not just children but marriage that he can’t picture with you.
Here’s the stone cold truth: When a man loves a woman, really loves her, he’ll do just about anything to make her happy. On the other hand, when a man is ambivalent about a woman (half of him loves her, the other half can’t picture his life with her), he’ll offer up barriers – reasons why they shouldn’t be together. Meanwhile, there’s still the issue of chemistry – you have it, and now the question is: should you act on it.
You are being tempted. This is one of the temptations that single women encounter in dating – the temptation to choose a high-risk relationship instead of holding out for one that has a high probability of success. It’s high-risk because right at the beginning you are at cross purposes. He’s telling you that he’s not available for a commitment. You know deep down that you want a committed relationship leading to marriage and children. If you move forward with this guy, you risk what you really want by denying your true desires.
I want to challenge a belief that you’ve expressed, Alex – that it would be pretty impossible for you to find a man who “gets you.” As long as you hold that belief, you will latch onto any guy who offers up an emotional connection. The truth is that if you change your belief, you change what you attract. Scarcity in your thinking attracts lots of fruitless connections. That sets you up for desperation when you meet someone who has SOME of the qualities you want, but lacking something essential.
You’re right, Alex – your heart is in a precarious position. Here’s how you can get back in a position to make a wise choice. Take a step back and remind yourself of what you truly want in the long run – a happy marriage and children. Get yourself grounded again – spend time with friends, do things just for you. When you are centered again on who you are and what you want in life, sit down with this guy in a public venue and engage in a dialog. Confirm what he thinks already – that you want different things in life. Tell him that you are unwilling to move forward with someone who doesn’t see the possibility of spending his life with you and sharing in the creation of a loving family. Now, listen to how he responds. If he says yes that’s true, and no, he can’t see himself getting married and having children, believe him. That’s your answer – there’s nowhere to go with this but down.
If he seems ambivalent, give him time to process what you’ve shared. Stay out of any close encouters with him until you two are on the exact same page – that this relationship is about discovering the possibility of marriage and family. Be willing to stay true to yourself, Alex, even if it means giving up this particular guy. Work on your mind-set, eliminating thoughts of scarcity. Create a mental vision of lots of men who are willing and able to share a true, heartfelt emotional connection.
Now for some shameless self-promotion: my newest book, Temptations of the Single Girl: the Ten Dating Traps You Must Avoid, just released, addresses all of these issues and more! If you are serious about landing a great guy, buy it today. I promise you that reading this book will be a life-altering experience and make it possible for you to attract and keep the man of your dreams.
Entry Filed under: Advice for Women
2 Comments
1. Susan | October 30th, 2007 at 3:04 am
I was reading your book tonight and I was very moved to feel right in my decision to end my marriage, to take a chance at truly finding love. Thank you so much for such a wise/cutting to the chase book.
2. Cameron Sharpe | April 11th, 2009 at 3:58 am
Your story was extremely touching. Your expressiveness demonstrates what an incredible connection you had with this other person and I can sympathize and relate to every word.