Marry First, Date Later: Finding a Soul Mate
By Nina Atwood
At a lively Shabbat singles event, host and writer David Suissa posed the question: Why is it so hard to find a soul mate? The group’s conclusion, after several glasses of wine and much debate: You can’t expect a soul mate connection if you date superficially (i.e., protecting yourself, not being vulnerable, not seeking to know the other person on a deep level). How magnificent and how true. David’s conclusion: maybe we should marry first, then date.
Marry first, then date means, in essence, that dating is about relating. Dating (when used in the most effective way) is about finding out who the real person is across from you so that you can truly discover if your values and life paths mesh. You simply cannot get to that level of relating without being vulnerable. Emotional transparency (another way to say vulnerable) inspires more of the same from others. How is that done?
In a nutshell, it’s about balancing the wonderful things about you with the reality of your humanity. You may be the CEO of a company, but you struggle day to day to make things happen the right way. You may have four advanced degrees, but you still don’t have all the answers.
Real self-confidence gives us the emotional inner strength to be vulnerable. Paradoxically, insecurity does not breed vulnerability (except for those who use their dates as therapy sessions, pouring out too much information in an inappropriate way). Insecurity breeds posturing: I’m afraid you won’t like the real me, so I’ll paint a fictional, pumped up picture of me that you’re bound to like. Conversely, from a position of inner strength, I can share who I really am, warts and all.
Whatever position I come from (posturing vs. transparency), I will get the same in return. What I give I can expect to receive. So if I interact in a superficial way, I will experience superficial relationships, and I will ultimately move on because of the lack of meaningful connection.
Being transparent in dating is a test. If the person sitting across from you cannot reciprocate because of insecurity (which may be covered up by ego and posturing), you won’t find a soul mate connection. If the other person is critical when you open up about your struggles, you won’t find a soul mate connection.
So go ahead – be real, be transparent, be vulnerable, be YOU. Trust that in that process you are on the path to a soul mate relationship.
Entry Filed under: Dating
