How Do I Get Her Back?
By Nina Atwood
David writes: My ex-girlfriend and I met on Myspace, emailed for a week, phoned for a week, then met for dnner and a walk. We dated for two and a half weeks, walking along the beach holding hands. Then she blew me off, saying it was just a friendship and she didn’t have time for a relationship. I was angry but I moved on. A month later, she called me, apologized and wanted another chance. We dated for three months and it went well. Her only complaint was that it was annoying to witness me getting mad at drivers in other cars. One night we were watching a movie about a man physically abusing a woman and I got very angry. She called me later and said that I scared her with my anger, and broke up. I tried to stay away. A week later I called but only got her sister on the phone. Since then I’ve text messaged her sister, sent a few emails to my ex-girlfriend, and gotten little response. How do I turn this around and get her back? I think she’s running from our relationship because of childhood issues. I”m losing sleep and full of anxiety. Help!
Dear David: Your ex-girlfriend has given you a great opportunity – to focus on your own growth so that this doesn’t happen again. Fear and love do not go well together, so when you frightened her, you likely crushed whatever feelings of affection she had for you. It’s not okay to act out your anger while driving; it’s not okay to be angry when she breaks up; it’s not okay to act out your reaction to a television show. It’s ironic, isn’t it, that the show was about a man abusing a woman, and your reaction scared your girlfriend?
Anger is your theme, and that’s what you have to fix if you ever want to have a good relationship with a woman. Your reaction to the television show indicates that it’s an issue for you. I’m wondering if you witnessed mistreatment of a woman – your mother, or someone else dear to you. I’m wondering if you grew up with an angry father. Whatever the issue, it’s your’s now to deal with.
The first step for you is to stop contacting your ex. She’s made it clear that she’s not interested. When a woman says “no,” you must respect that boundary. No matter how frustrating it is for you, that’s your issue, not hers. Stop. If there’s any hope for a future with her, it will be because she walks back in the door, not because you coerced her back into your life (which I don’t think is a possibility as she’s clearly closed the door). If you continue to contact her sister or her, she will feel harassed, and that’s not at all the feeling you want to inspire in a woman you care about.
Second, if you’re not already, get yourself in therapy and deal with your anger issues. The point of growth for you is to learn how to be frustrated and not act it out; to learn the daily practices that will re-wire your brain toward greater serenity so that most things don’t frustrate you. As you change your level of frustration, reduce the emotional triggers that set you off, and learn to accept other people’s choices and behaviors without taking them personally, you change your own radar for relationshps. You will attract women who are strong and confident, and you won’t be threatened. You’ll be confident that your love is enough for the right woman. You will easily let go anyone who doesn’t feel that you are right for her, and that will be okay.
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2 Comments
1. David Oliver | May 25th, 2007 at 2:37 pm
Dear Mrs. Atwood;
You are right about being raised in a somewhat violent past. Both my father and mother fought quite a bit. But, neither one hit the other person. But that doesn’t mean that I’m that way. I have never, nor will I ever hit a woman. I’ve had heated arguements with past girlfriends, and I NEVER even had the slightest urge to hit them (If anything, one hit me a few times). I just have issues with seeing horrible injustice such as the movie that I was watching with my ex. And you are right in that I need to correct it, and I already almost have. But I guess it does no good for the case with her and I; for she says that people can’t change. Which i’m sure you’d diisagree with, for you wouldn’t be in business!!
But, the main issue here should be her. She left me the first time after a wonderful two and a half week dating experience FOR NO REASON, except her own fear that I was “to good to be true”. And her sister even said that this is just how she is. And the thing that bothers me is that I took her back w/o hardly even a minute’s thought. Even after how much she hurt me when she left and lied about it. And now I get mad at a movie (which was a just cause and good reason for anger) and she leaves me w/o even talking it over first or a thought of a second chance.
Yes, you are right about needing to watch my anger, and I have worked on changing (even my family sees a difference). But if she would have waited to get to know me better she would have realized that all the yelling and hollering that I do while driving, or fixing something, or watching a movie doesn’t mean any harm. That she should laugh it off, enjoy the funny show that I put on and realize that I would rather die than ever hurt her. And she should have talked with me and worked with me on it. Because, that’s a thing that a man should never do to a woman, and I know me and I know that I would never hurt a woman. And I think she know’s that too, and she said she knows I’d never hurt her; she just couldn’t deal with a guy that acts like that.
But, I do love her and miss her very much. I find it very hard to let her go, after all I was going to get engaged to her. I can’t walk away from her like I did other woman!! I’d do almost anything to get her back. I admit that I made a mistake, but there’s got to be a new chance. I wish she would give me that! But, thanks for your advice. Is there a hotline that you have that I can call and talk to someone? Her memory will always me with me. -David OLiver
2. Charles | September 25th, 2008 at 9:31 am
Ok. My girlfriend have been dating for nine months. It was hot and heavy from the begining. She is 15 years older than me and has a complicated life with two crazy teenagers and is job hunting, I’ve never married and have no kids. We have broken up several times and it have been my temper almost every time. I admit that I have temper flare ups and am in therapy. Progress had been made; we were more in love than ever the last month or so. We went to the mountains and had a great weekend together. I felt we had reached a new plateau in our relationship. A silly spat two weeks ago snowballed into a huge fight ending with her telling me via email that she wanted to break up. I was furious that after all I put with in her complicated life and I treated her like a queen that she would end it over something so stupid. I went nuts yelling and screaming in her yard. I went home and got everything she gave me and drove back over and threw it in her driveway. A pot shattered and it was awful. I proceded to call for the next day or so venting my anger. I said things that were so terrible I can’t even begin to tell you. I feel so miserable about the whole thing. In the past we would take a few days apart and I would show up at her place and talk to her and we would end up getting back together. Bottom line is that I have messed up bad but I want her back. What should I do? She has made it clear for me not to call or make any contact. Will time heal this or have I lost her forever? I know she loves me and said it all the time.