Dating a Westbound Train: Is It Worth the Risk? (Part Two)
By Nina Atwood
Sherry and Bobby have been dating for three years. She says they connect in every way except one. He’s not interested in moving toward marriage. She is very interested in marriage. What do they share? The chemistry is good, their intellectual connection is strong, and they love each other. They share the same basic values in life.
Think of a house, one that sits solidly on its foundation and isn’t likely to blow over in a strong wind or float away in a bit of heavy rain. The house, which we’ll use as an analogy for a relationship, has a strong foundation. That’s a major part of its stability. In dating relationships, the foundation is two parts, and they’re both vital – 1.) shared values, and 2.) equal desire for the relationship (equal investment in commitment).
Sherry and Bobby are missing half the foundation. He’s a Westbound Train*, not emotionally available in a way that allows commitment to develop. A Westbound Train may sincerely want to be with you, but is not looking at a future with you, not now and not later. Once you realize you’re with a Westbound Train, you have some choices to make.
Sometimes a Westbound Train will turn North (emotionally available and ready to commit), but mostly they don’t. Sometimes they go through the motions of turning North (i.e., moving in with you, getting engaged, even getting married), but that doesn’t mean their hearts are fully in the relationship.
You can’t turn a Westbound Train into one that’s headed North. Only he can do that. Only he is in charge of his heart and emotions – not you. So recognize that you are truly powerless to change the situation. That’s a great start.
You have influence that you can wield, if you choose to do so. Sharing the impact on you of the other person’s unwillingness to commit can make a difference, provided it’s done with compassion. “You know, Bobby, we’ve dated for almost three years, and I love you deeply and treasure our relationship. I’m ready to make a commitment and work toward marriage, and it’s painful to me that you are not. I don’t want to leave you, but I feel torn because of my need to build a life with someone.”
Finally, you have the ability to discern whether he’s reluctant to commit because you aren’t the right person for him or because he’s afraid. It’s hard to do, but you must ask the question, without any emotional fragility: Am I the right person for you? You must ask it repeatedly until the answer resonates in your heart and gut.
How he responds to your feelings makes a huge difference. Does he open his heart, sharing his fears and concerns? Or does he take a rigid position, refusing to budge on the issue? Now you’re ready to make a choice: Stick it out becuase he really sees you as the one and he’s willing to work through the issue of commitment; or, move on because you keep hitting your head against a brick wall. Is it worth the risk? If he’s a good guy with a good heart, values you share, who really loves you, AND he’s willing to work on the relationship, then perhaps.
*See Page 205 of Be Your Own Dating Service: A Step-by-Step Guiding to Finding and Maintaining Healthy Relationships.
Entry Filed under: Dating,Relationships
