Confusion Over Loss of Trust
By Nina Atwood
Lee dated Jim for six months in an exclusive relationship. Then a series of events made her question his commitment. She found out he was still talking to his ex on a regular basis; he took her to a significant family event and didn’t acknowledge them as a couple. The last blow was cancelling their wedding plans with no discussion. Lee wants to know if she should give Jim a second chance because forgiveness is the right thing to do.
First, the issue isn’t forgiveness. Yes, forgive the behavior so you can move on without resentment. No, don’t give Jim a second chance, not without a significant amount of remorse on his part plus a boatload of authentic explanation for his behavior. Even then, maybe.
Things you easily forgive and move past: I forgot to pick up your drycleaning; I made us late to the show; I forgot to pay back the $100 I owed you until you reminded me.
Behavior that tells you someone doesn’t love you: not acknowledging you at a family event; intimate phone conversations with an ex; calling off your wedding with no explanation.
Your behavior that makes you a door mat: putting up with bad behavior from him, thinking it’s your job to forgive and move forward when he’s had to do nothing to earn your trust again.
In cases like this, take the focus off of forgiveness and put it on the relationship where it belongs: the lack of open, honest communication from the other person and resultling loss of trust. Fix that and you have a chance at going forward.
Entry Filed under: Relationships
