Emotional Baggage Blocking New Love
By Nina Atwood
By Nina Atwood
I have been dating someone for about three months, very soon after my divorce. He is by far the most kind, considerate, and giving man I’ve ever known. Our relationship is very good. We don’t argue or fight (unlike with my ex), and when we have a problem we discuss it openly and work things out. The problem I’m having is that I keep finding ways to push him away (although I apologize later and set things right). I find myself resisting commitment and sometimes being uncomfortable, almost as if I just can’t accept the love that is flowing my way. I keep telling myself that it is too soon for me to be involved with someone. I really care for this man, am very attracted to him, and don’t want to blow a great relationship. What should I do? – Lisa
First of all, as you pointed out, you are still processing the end of your marriage. Even though the legal divorce is final, the emotional divorce has its own, separate timetable. It takes time, different for everyone, to sort through the loss, the grief, the anger, the guilt, the remorse, and finally, to make room in your heart for forgiveness, first for yourself, and secondly for him.
One way you can facilitate that process is to do an exercise (which I actually invented when I was going through my divorce). Take a sheet of paper and at the top put something like: “How I Will Know I Have Healed My Relationship With (your ex)”. Then, place yourself down the road emotionally to that day when your heart is healed from your marriage and your divorce. Imagine that day, how you will feel, what your life will look like, what you will be doing. Then, begin listing the things that you envision, being as specific as possible. My list contained items like the following:
- I no longer cry or grieve for him, for what we had that was lost or for what might have been.
- I can talk to him without getting angry, raising my voice, or making accusations.
- I can talk to him without getting my feelings hurt or crying.
- I can run into him with his new girlfriend (or wife) and not feel jealousy, anger, or bitterness. I can actually be glad for him that he’s found someone new that makes him happy.
- I genuinely wish him well and hope that he has all good things in life.
- I feel grateful for the time that we shared and for the lessons that I learned.
- I remember both good times and bad in our relationship; I celebrate the good and I accept the bad as part of the fabric of my life.
- I believe again that most men are good and worthy, and that there’s someone new for me down the road.
- I believe in the joy of love relationships and the power of commitment and marriage, and I can visualize myself having those things once again.
- My heart is open once again, ready to give and to receive love in the healthiest way possible. I am able to be vulnerable, and to still take care of myself.
Keep going with your list until you have listed every detail of that picture of you down the road – happy, healthy, and emotionally complete with this relationship. When you are done, you will have your emotional prescription for recovery – that you are intending each and every one of these things to come to pass, and that you are taking the steps for that to happen.
Keep this list handy, and every so often look to see if you’ve accomplished another item, and when you do, check it off, or highlight it in color, or put a heart beside it, or whatever you want to do that signifies: Yea! I did it!
Intentions are very powerful. By setting them down in writing and being as specific as possible, you place a precise road map in front of your unconscious mind and you push it forward. You cannot help but complete the journey with more velocity and greater ease than someone who just drifts along in a sea of anguish and bitterness.
It took me about 18 months from the time I separated from my husband until I checked off the last item on my list, much faster than the “prescribed recovery time” that most therapists recommend for the length of my relationship. So, don’t worry about making this happen. Just keep intending that you will complete each item, and meanwhile, live each day the best way possible. Process your emotions, practice forgiveness for yourself and for him, and trust in the journey.
Copyright ©1999 Nina Atwood, All Rights Reserved
Reprints Only by Written Permission of Nina Atwood
Entry Filed under: Dating
