Am I In a Settle-For Relationship?
By Nina Atwood
By Nina Atwood
I’m dating someone and I’m not sure if I’m with the right person. How do I know if I’m settling for less than a right partner? - Henry
Relationships can shift and change with time, so there’s no perfect formula to tell you if it’s right for you. There are indicators that, taken together, add up to a less than complete picture, telling you that you may be settling for less:
- You have strong doubts about the relationship and your partner. You continually question the rightness of your romance, talking about it to friends and family without being able to come to a resolution.
- You have difficulty imagining a future with your partner. You frequently tell yourself that you’re not ready for a commitment. You can picture this person in your life for now, but not for the long run.
- You miss the falling in love stage of the relationship. Over time, you grow to love the person you’re with, but you never quite feel that you’re in love or that you ever were.
- When you have conflict with your partner, there is not much motivation to resolve your differences. Your focus is on having a good time and you resent anything that creates upset. You don’t want to talk things; instead, you avoid dealing with issues.
- Part of you is still looking for someone better. You tend to compare your partner with others that you meet, finding that she doesn’t measure up to your own standards. You think about being able to date around again. Maybe you even insist on a non-exclusive relationship, even though your partner isn’t happy with that.
- You unconsciously try to drive your partner away. You don’t want to be the bad guy and break it off, so you unconsciously do things that create upset for your partner, pushing her away.
- You try to rationalize yourself into staying with your partner. You say to yourself, “This is a good person, there’s nothing wrong with her. What’s wrong with me that I can’t be happy? I should stay because: I can’t leave because I’ll hurt her.” Intellectually, you decide to stay, but your heart is just not fully in it.
- You feel that something important is missing. Even if you can’t put a finger on it, overall you have the sense that a vital ingredient in the relationship just isn’t there.
If these criteria sound familiar, you may be in a Settle-For Relationship. See Nina’s other article, “Settle-For Relationships Part II” for what to do if you are in this trap.
Copyright ©1997 Nina Atwood, All Rights Reserved
Reprints Only by Written Permission of Nina Atwood
Entry Filed under: Dating
2 Comments
1. Tammy | April 1st, 2008 at 7:55 pm
Nina, After reading this I have to admit….I was not impressed with what you are saying you may feel if you are in a “settle for relationship” After reading this this list of eight things….It clearly looks as if this is a list of a commitment phoebe. This article was black and white and lets face it relationships just are not.
2. Nina Atwood | April 2nd, 2008 at 8:19 am
Tammy: you’re right – this list could be the list of a commitment phobe. In a sense, commitment phobes are always settling for less due to an incomplete template for relationships that always leaves them yearning for more. I agree – relationships are not black and white, and if you look deeper you’ll see that this is a list of guidelines to encourage people to self-examine. It’s all subjective – so the most basic requirement for a healthy relationship is self-insight.
At the end of the day, you, me, and everyone else must determine what is or isn’t right for us. But to have a healthy, balanced relationship, you must agree as a couple on what you want, what you have, what you feel for one another, and your level of commitment. If one of you feels that he or she is settling, then the other person will feel out of balance and insecure. The list is a starting point for questioning: where do I stand? What is the right thing to do regarding the other person? What help do I need? and so on.