Tempted By the Wounded Guy: Can This Relationship Make It?
By Nina Atwood
Dear Singlescoach: I’m 28 yrs old and I’ve been with my 31 yr old boyfriend for 3 months. Things happend very fast between us. We’ve slept together (something we’ve now decided to stop doing due to religious reasons), we’ve told each other we love each other and we’ve shared things with each other that we’ve never shared with anyone else. We have a lot in common and share a very strong connection. He is adhd but I work with children with autism so I do understand a lot of his behaviour. I tend to become very dependent on my partner and seem to base everything in my life on the relationship and how things are going between us. He had a tough childhood and when he needs to deal with things he wants to be alone. I like to sort things out and not have hanging issues when we leave each other. When I’m down I just want him with me to hold me and tell me everything’s gonna be ok. This may seem like a very small problem but the different needs we have in dealing with issues in our relationship has become the biggest issue. He needs to be alone…I need him with me…and I always seem to end up with the short end of the stick cos once he’s made a decision that’s it. I really do love this guy and think we have the potential to go all the way with this but these little things seem to be causing us unnecessary grief at the moment…how do we go forward from here in a way that both of us get what we need from this relationship?? – Kay
Dear Kay,
First of all, I admire you both for deciding to stop sleeping together. This will lower the emotional intensity and give you the opportunity to focus on how you communicate. One of the most important hurdles in a new relationship - one that sets the stage for either a happy, fulfilled relationship or a constant drama-rama, draining relationship – is learning how to negotiate your needs.
Negotiating your needs is possible when you are balanced in the relationship – meaning that you both want it equally. You are out of balance when one person wants it really badly while the other person is ambivalent. You are also out of balance when one person is willing to throw away your connection on an emotional whim while the other person is fiercly protective of your connection.
In your case, Kay, it sounds like you are needier, more protective of the relationship. You are fully invested in this, while he sounds ambivalent. You are concerned about his bad childhood, and that sounds like a wounded guy.
The anxiety and feelings of abandonment (when he packs up and leaves) is a signal. It is telling you that you are too invested with someone who is not equally invested, or who is too wounded to be a real partner. Here’s what I recommend you do to get this relationship more in balance:
- At a time when you are both in a good emotional space, have the “you and me” talk. Ask him if he sees the possibility of the two of you married down the road. Tell him you’re not sure of that yet because your relationship is so new, but that you are in this to make that discovery, not just for fun and games.
- Listen to his answer carefully. Be bold, ask clarifying questions, avoid getting emotionally triggered. It is crucial that you stay calm so that he can feel safe really opening up and being honest with you about where you stand.
- If this conversations reveals that you are on different pages, then you have some serious choices to make. It will probably not work out for you if you are far apart in your long-term intentions.
- If the conversation reveals that you are on the same page or close to that, then the next step is to bring up how you deal with conflict. Talk about how you feel when he exits abruptly. Tell him you respect the fact that he needs to separate in order to calm down. Ask him to separate more gently; i.e., tell you when he will be back to finish the discussion, and reassure you that he isn’t leaving the relationship, just taking a break to calm down.
This conversation will show you one of two things: 1. he’s ready to be committed to doing what it takes to keep your relationship growing in a positive direction, or 2. he’s not ready or he’s too wounded and emotionally immature to be a real partner in growth. You may be dating a wounded guy – and that’s one of the ten Temptations of the Single Girl that pulls you off of your path to a great relationship.
Entry Filed under: Advice for Women
1 Comment
1. billy | October 1st, 2008 at 5:52 am
I’m a wounded guy; I didn’t relize it until it was too late. I was in a relationship and marrige for 22yrs and separated then stayed single for a year. I started dating a woman who had been really liking me for years; she is a sweet woman, but just because we talk about possibly looking at marrige she started doing little things like taking me to look at houses, looking at rings, and trying to get me to move in when I haven’t even asked her. I still have doubts; we have a lot of potential but I feel our pace is different. When we met she asked me if I was ready to move on. I said yes but the seriousness and commitment is something I need to take my time with. I’m the type of person when I’m in, I’m in for the long haul but she just doesn’t care to be patient and try and understand that. Instead, I feel she’s been rushing me from day one.