Break-ups Often Reveal the Unspoken Truth
By Nina Atwood
Trudy dated Chris for five years. He was fresh out of a divorce when they met, but she thought he just needed time. Early on, he established the priorities. “You,” he said, “are a G priority. A, B, and C are my daughters.” After his daughters came work and other obligations, and then Trudy. Why she didn’t break up with him on the spot, she still doesn’t know. But after five more years of dating, she realized that she would never be a real priority to Chris. She tearfully broke up, still hoping deep inside that he would realize how special she was and make a turn-around in commitment, but it was never going to happen. His post-break up comment? “I think I’ll go down to the bar and get something to eat, I’m hungry.”
Their break-up revealed Chris’ essential emotional detachment. In his response was the unspoken truth: “I don’t love you, not the way you love me or need me to love you. Losing you is not a big deal.” But this wasn’t the first indicator of this fundamental truth. Why did Trudy not see Chris’ real feelings much sooner? Why did she spend five years hoping for a change of heart instead of acknowledging the lack of heart?
Failure to see or acknowledge the unspoken truth of a relationship happens because of not coming to terms with the fear of ending up alone. Believing that it’s too hard to start over, you allow yourself to drift in a non-committal arrangement. Fearful of the reality of spending Saturday nights alone, you refuse to see the proverbial handwriting on the wall – a lover’s ambivalence and detachment.
Unearthing the unspoken truth in a relationship takes courage and commitment to self. Once you are more fearful of being in a mediocre relationship than you are of not having a relationship, you are able to see the reality of where you currently stand. With a firm stance of self-care, you can ask the kinds of questions early on that reveal the depth of your partner’s feelings for you, without taking it too personally. With the truth on the table, you can act much sooner and by-pass the long years of fruitless dating.
Entry Filed under: Breaking Up,Dating,Relationships
2 Comments
1. Lee | June 16th, 2007 at 12:37 pm
Was in a relationship for almost 8 years. The first 2 years he would tell me he loved me. After 2 years he said that to say “i love you” was a test. I was not to say those words again. I broke up with him several times, then to hear that commitment, never to hear those words, but he could write it in a card. He would tell everyone else that he loved them, but always to leave me out. (mom, sons, brothers)
We have been broken up for 2 months. I ended it again. He just told me he is seeing someone else. I am devastated. But in the back of my head i know it is the right thing to do. Need to move on….
2. sarah | June 24th, 2007 at 5:20 pm
I was with a man for five years and he left after the first 2 saying he needed freedom to come and go as he pleased. I took him back and he left 2 years later for the same reason
A week later he started seeing someone else who has a child. He is still with her 3 months later and i am heartbroken. I know deep down him leaving was the best thing but iit still hurts.